Wednesday, July 8, 2009

We're All Going On A Summer Holiday...

Well, the suitcases are stuffed to the brim - going against all intentions of 'packing light'. And in three hours I will be in a car on my way to the airport with two over excited children and one, possibly grumpy, ex.

I feel unexpectedly terrified about this trip.

It's not the thought of the travel, though the prospect of the overnight flight doesn't exactly fill me with joyful anticipation.

It's not the thought of having the boys 24/7 for a whole month, because I know that I am going to be surrounded by the people that I love the most in the whole world and that there will be many days when I probably won't see the boys for dust.

So what is it then?

I think it is a reflection of the fact that this is my first official trip home with the boys as a single parent. And the first time I will have seen many of my friends since our split last November (although, bless them, they had all experienced our suffering for at least 2 years prior so it wasn't as though it was a surprise). For the past 9 months I have soldiered on - sometimes coping well and other times, not so much. Because I have had to. Because there isn't anyone here who can pick up the pieces if I fall apart. Essentially it's down to me to keep this family going and to ensure my boys are protected as much as possible by life's cruel turns.

And part of me so wants to give up putting on a brave face and reassuring everyone that I am okay, that this situation really is for the best, that we are all doing great given the circumstances. Part of me just wants the opportunity to express all the uncertainty and vulnerability that I truly feel inside - and know that there will be people there to catch me if I do fall into a snivelling, snot producing heap.

So that's why I am terrified. I am terrified of both falling apart. And of not falling apart. Of both showing my true emotions and of keeping the dam walls intact.

But either way, I know it won't really matter. Because I will be home.

15 comments:

  1. Well, I hope it goes really well. Enjoy your time at home x

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  2. Ditto. And you might find - like muscles regularly used - those dam walls are actually quite strong!

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  3. Remember, we are all here to help you.
    Bon Voyage.
    xxx

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  4. Nicola, have a safe trip, let the boys watch as much back-seat tv as they want (if it works, why not?), and very much looking forward to meeting up soon!

    PMx

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  5. Awww, enjoy going home. Hope you have a wonderful time. Sometimes it's good to let the 'boo hoo's' out...(episode of Friends, Freddie Prinze Jnr, is a Manny...v amusing). Good luck! x

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  6. Have a wonderful trip and a bloody good cry if you feel like it. It'll work wonders.

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  7. Have a wonderful trip and, as Nappy Valley Girl says, have a good cry, it will really help and no-one will think the worse of you.

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  8. Hi Nicola. Discovered your great blog via family affairs (I think?!) and want to say how much I relate to your situation and how very, very much I hope you have a happy holiday!!! It's OK to fall apart ... scary, yes but it's also very cathartic ... and I bet you'll feel better afterwards.

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  9. I love this post. The two sides of the same coin, expressed so well. Being with close friends and family is both safe and vulnerable. I'd never quite thought of it like that, but you're so right.

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  10. Enjoy your trip and I hope it goes well for you walls or no walls. And if you need to emo dump on the blog you know we are all here for you and get it.

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  11. I hope you have arrived safe and well. Sweetie you know that I know exactly how you feel and you have my email so please do get in touch any time. You are not alone and given our "unique" circumstances I really do understand. Enjoy your time at home, I know I always do xx

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  12. Beautiful post. Parenting is not easy. You are so brave. Enjoy your time home. And have a good cry.

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  13. Hi all. Thank you so much for your lovely comments. I feel so lucky to have all this unexpected support. Thank you xx

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  14. Have a marvellous trip. Take tissues. Cry, laugh and live.

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  15. Oh no! At first I was excited for you, then as I read on I became nervous when I read about your fears. I'm sure it will all my fine and your Mum's comment nearly made me cry!

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