Feeling the Fall Out

I always feel slightly treacherous when I want to talk about how I am really feeling - because most of my feelings for the past few months have revolved around me and my ex and it's hard to paint a decent picture of my ex on this blog because I only seem to blog about him when I am upset.

My ex is a really good man. He is a good dad. He works hard. He gives me money to live on. And most of the time he is the only person I can rely on being so far away from home.

When we met he whisked me off my feet. His adoration knew no bounds. We got married on the first anniversary of the night we met. He was the most romantic, loving guy I had ever met. I had never been treated so well and was sure that I would be loved that way forever.

If only it wasn't all in the past tense.

Sometimes I think that I am still in love with him. It's hard not to be nostalgic over all the incredible times we shared. It's hard not to miss being loved in that way. And sometimes I convince myself that there is a chance that we will get back together. That there is still something between us. I still find him attractive. He is still one of the smartest and funniest guys that I have ever met. I can get sad and angry and mad...then he sends me a funny email or a flirty text and all that is forgotten and the nostalgic veil comes down. And with it a smidgen of hope.

Then we are together in the same room and the only vibes I pick up are disdain and irritation.

After all this time, why does this still hurt so much? Why do I allow myself to get so upset? After all, this isn't some Hollywood movie. I am not some lovesick teenager. We went through so much angst for over 3 years. Why would I even waste the time convincing myself that things have changed?

And how can I expect to be moving on when I still feel this way?

Probably the hardest part for me is having the guy that professed the deepest, enduring love for me - the guy that put me up on a pedestal that I never wanted to be on in the first place - change his mind. The one thing he was adamant would NEVER happen. It would almost be easier if there had been another woman. But no. He just didn't love me anymore. Not only that, but he appeared to all intents and purposes to really dislike me, in a couldn't-bare-to-be-in-the-same-room with me type of way.

I have tried so hard to change. To consider my every action and its potential reaction. To be mindful of how I am treating everyone in my life. To be the best that I can be - and to keep striving to be better. But I am such a work in progress. I used to feel confident that I was a good friend and a good person. That confidence is hard to find now that I no longer see it reflected in his eyes. If I managed to turn him against me, what chance do I have with anyone else?

These feelings have intensified this week because I have been introduced to 'a man'. I had no expectations - but against all the odds this guy seems really nice. He's just my type in a fairly tall, dark and handsome kind of way. Acts like a grown up. Knows about wine. Loves to cook. Has kissable lips (not that they have been road tested...yet).

But all I can think is Why The Hell Would You Want To Go Out With Me? Really. Why?

I am over 40. I have 2 kids. I don't have any real discernible income apart from that which ex provides. Under this hair colour I am now apparently 80% grey (a truth that I sincerely wish my hairdresser had kept to herself, thank you very much). Okay, so I can throw the words 'bonkers' and 'barmy' and 'pavement' and 'trollied' into a conversation and I am sure that sounds very twee and British. Not that you know this yet, but I can also pole dance, lap dance and will probably orgasm if you ever decide to kiss me because, well, it really had been a very long time since there has been any shagging action.

But apart from that. And apart from the fact that I do quite fancy you - what is the point when I don't feel that I can ever trust anyone again? When I am not sure I can ever trust myself again? When I typically spend a night out furtively obsessing over married couples who still appear to have that vibe - who's husbands are still loving and attentive to their wives - and wonder, why is that not me?

What did I do that was so wrong? How did I turn my most ardent fan into someone who can barely tolerate me?

And how come I couldn't fix it?