Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Quick Update and Possibly Irrelevant Rationalisations

Update #1: Dr Disaster

He texted yesterday.  Has been busy coordinating a relief effort for Haiti and is leaving for the island today as the head of a team of physicians and nurses.  He expects to be there several weeks.  Can I wish him good luck?

Well isn't that bloody irritating?

He has an admirable humanitarian excuse to explain his lack of contact.


So despite my intention of ignoring him when he contacted me, I felt that would be a little churlish given the fact that he is off to save the world (or at least a little corner of it).  Instead I replied: "C'est grand.  Le mieux de la chance".  Couldn't resist trying to appear worldly and sophisticated by wishing him luck in french.  It's not often I get the satisfaction of having the last word in another language.

Unless you count gibberish of course.

Update #2: Feedback on New Girlfriend

Oh I shouldn't care in the least...but the jury has spoken and the verdict is in.

I WIN!  (In the 'who's the nicest / prettiest / smartest / funniest / warmest / most likeable' stakes that I have been sweating over in my head since NG met our friends in the UK.)

Ridiculous high school behaviour to even care - but strangely satisfying all the same.  Of course I don't win an actual tangible prize (like an ex-husband crawling back to my infinitely superior self with his tail firmly between his legs) but I do have amazing friends who are 110% supportive and think I am irreplaceable...which actually will do just as well, thank you very much.

Update #3: Why It All Makes So Much Sense

I have been bemoaning the fact that it is so stereotypical for ex to be in a relationship with a younger woman and just how predictable that whole scenario is.  However, when I look at HIM as a person rationally I realise that this is not necessarily an indication of how he wants to shed his responsibilities and recapture his lost youth, but rather a direct reflection of finding someone who connects to the things that are important to him in life.

Like his work, for example.

If friends were to describe ex they may say Tall, Witty, Smart, Thoughtful, Adoring (obviously, back in the day), Sporty....but one word which they always tended to use to describe him was Workaholic.

When I met ex he was a 24 year old whipper snapper who worked for the same company I did.  I was 6 years older at the time and held a senior role in the company compared to his relatively junior one.  But his talent and ambition were apparent to everyone he worked with, which was one of the qualities that I was most attracted to.  Despite the age difference, we seemed to have much in common.  I loved the fact that he was so driven, so passionate about what he was doing, so conscientuous about doing it to the best of his ability.  At the same time, I thought this dedication would become more balanced as he got older.

Silly me.

If anything, it just increased over time.  Of course, ex never saw himself as a Workaholic.  He could always cite other people who were at the office longer and who worked weekends.  But typically, no matter what time he got home and where he was at weekends, he would always be preoccupied with emails on his Blackberry or working on an 'essential' presentation on his computer.   The fact that he was physically in my space didn't mean that mentally (and, more often than not, emotionally too) he was still engrossed in his job.

Ex is a man who is defined by how well he does his job.  How successful he is.  How he can keep outperforming himself time and time again.  And that's not just my bitter, biased view - it's what he readily admitted to in marital counselling.  He loved having a wife who was successful and business-like and could relate to him on that level.  He always told the story of how he was attracted to me before he even got to know me, watching me stride across the car park from my sports car, in my power suit and heels.  He really struggled when I became a stay-at-home-mum (he wasn't the only one) and losing such  an important connection which so strongly defines him.

So it's obvious he is going to have far more in common with a woman dedicated to her career than to a family (even if it is HIS family).

His other interest in life is running and it turns out he met New Girlfriend through the running club that I encouraged him to join (with me) when we first moved to Chicago over 9 years ago.

So no big surprise there.

We used to run together and loved to participate in races but again, that all went by the wayside for me after 5 months of bedrest for Captain Underpants and then the seemingly impossible logistics of getting babysitting coverage for time spent on the running path.  Then I was pregnant again, then breastfeeding and by the time I had the inclination to lace my trainers he'd already called time on our marriage.

So the running aspect makes sense.

As for the fact that this woman is younger, I have to be honest and say that he is probably relishing the fact that, in this relationship, he is the older, more experienced one.  That this time around it is his turn to impress and take charge - to be looked up to in a manner which I possibly never demonstrated.  I can imagine that is quite novel and satisfying, to finally be revered for being so successful and well travelled, rather than bitched at for making work such a priority and never being home.

So it makes sense.

I just hope it ultimately makes him happy.


And now - enough of all this self-absorption and repetitive, introspective posts!  Time to get back to writing things of a more entertaining nature.  It will be a pleasant distraction, that's for sure.  Which begs the question....what the hell am I going to write about?


  1. not just with his tail between his legs
    but firmly between his legs

    you got a grin with that one

    i can think of what you should write about
    which kind of alcoholic beverage is your vave ?
    just throwing it out there
    you asked

  2. I'm struggling for topics myself, so...Sorry.

    But some good, solid, logical thinking. Not that it necessarily does as much emotional good as hearing that YOU WIN!!!, but still, good on you.


  3. It doesn't matter how pathetic it seems, we ALL get a kick from being nicer/prettier/funnier/all round loads better than an NG. Been there, done it. Happily married but would still do it with any previous boyfriends new partners. Because obviously they are all grieving that they can't have ME. Ah hem.

  4. Really love update #3 in particular. Very insightful of you.
    I would like you to write more about some of your school/parent/teacher/stage experiences and if they include dressing up and/or making costumes then all the better.

  5. It's amazing how much understanding you're willing to give the ex. And yes, you're right to be jealous of Haiti. ;-)

  6. I thought I was the one with the last word in gibberish?

    Excellent rationale on Ex - bang on, I would say.

    As for winning the vote over NG, see - I said that you were irreplaceable. I've always thought you were a bit "unique" (we have so much in common...)

    And now I can't think of anything worth saying in gibberish for my last word. *sigh* Hey Ho, You Win.

  7. Keep up the self-absorption, I love it! I'm conflicted over Dr Disaster too - how can you not resist him when he's rushing across seas to rescue those poor people?

    Please give us the next installment.

  8. I think this provides evidence that you made Dr Disaster up. Going off to Haiti is TOO UNREALISTIC.

  9. Are you sure Dr Disaster isn't Carter from ER?
    You go ahead and be introspective all you like. It seems like the best therapy. And you write so well, and so honestly, that it's great to read.

  10. i have found small dolls and pins useful in these types of situations.

  11. oh, just keep writing like this.
    I love the way you write and think.
    I get lost.
    Wonderful, thoughtful post.
    Of course friends love you best, but good to know for sure.
    You made me laugh with your response to Dr D.

  12. Absolutely agree that this is very interesting indeed, especially how he was attracted to your Office persona with the glossy car, heels et al, then couldn't come to terms with your costume change once you'd had kids, even though they are HIS kids - says a lot about how society defines success and status and happiness etc. But really, although the motherhood thing can be PAINFULLY dull and difficult it is the best thing of all, isn't it, all said and done? No one ever said they wished that they'd spent more time in the office just before they croaked.

    I love your writing. Fx

  13. PS Having the last word in Foreign made me laugh

  14. PPS And I should have written PARENTHOOD, not MOTHERHOOD - how bloody telling is THAT?!!!!

  15. 1 - I still say PFFT on Dr. Disaster. Any man who doesn't listen to NO, no matter what kind of lifesaver he is, deserves to be ignored and forgotten. He is a git.

    2 - Of COURSE it's the best thing ever when you're the winner. I mean, come on!!

    3 - Amazing insight, really. One thing you didn't mention was how you felt about all of it. Your voice in the post seems strong and accepting of the realizations. Or does it bum you out that things changed so drastically and his "perfect fit" isn't you anymore (and vice versa)? (I'm asking out of genuine curiosity and a personal situation not so unlike this...)

  16. Yes well, he may be doing admirable things in Haiti but he still behaved like a teenage prat.

  17. Just some thoughts - Oh Yes, I could write a whole post about fave alcohol. Of course my most favourite tipples I have very recollection of that normal or is that just me??

    teacher mummy - Thanks :-)))

    Fraught Mummy - Ha! Ha! Yes I have few men in my past who I am sure are still pining for me too...

    Redhead - I know. For a supposedly 'mummy' blog I do write so much more about me than the kids. And goodness knows there is plenty of material there.

    MWA - Haiti is a bummer. I repeat. Git!

    KR - Yes, you do tend to have the last word in gibberish!! hee hee.

    Calif Lorna - Okay - if you insist!

    Iota - ha!ha! Honest to God, you couldn't make this up. I wish it was just the product of an over fertile imagination!

    NVG - thanks love. It really does help to write all this stuff down rather than just have it swimming around in my head, distracting me from every day life.

    Grit - great advice. I think I have some dolls in the toy room which will do just the job...

    Bethany - thank you! Oh I had so many other cutting responses to the Dr. Feel quite disappointed that I didn't get the opportunity to use them.

    Cassandra - spot on. I wouldn't change those days of heels and sports cars for the hours that I have spent clearing 300ft of silly string off my kitchen floor this morning. My life now is far more glamourous!

    Jessica - I actually do feel quite reasonable about it now. If I were to predict the type of guy that I would get drawn to now it would be someone quite different to ex too. I'm sure that in the long term, cracks might enter his new relationship which are quite different to the chasms that appeared in ours. But I can see the sense in his choice now.

    Expat mum - abso-bloody-lutely.

  18. Defo go with Grit on the dolls and pins. Chuck in a couple of hexes just to be onthe safe side too - I love making up hexes esp when I am in the car - terribly satisfying!

  19. sorry I havent visited in a while. I am going to restrict my blog access for a while, you are welcome to come and visit as an invited guest. If you email me on then I can add you to the list. I would hate to lose touch. hulla xx