Monday, January 11, 2010

Betrayal Of Trust

I'm not sure I should write this post.  I am not thinking clearly (you could argue, when am I ever?) and may regret putting this out there.  But I am furious and hurt and feeling more vulnerable than ever before.  My vulnerability is something that I only have myself to blame for - and I hope that I don't end up paying the price for this stupidity.  Oh hindsight is such a wonderful thing, is it not?

So the boys returned from a weekend with their father last night, which involved a party on Sunday morning for two of the children in Johnny Drama's class.  Ex took both the boys and, by all accounts, they had a great time romping about for a couple of hours with their mates.

I happen to go to an impromptu play date after school today with one of the children in JD's class and his mum, a lovely English woman who is becoming a good friend.  We talked briefly about our weekends and then she starts to interrogate me slightly about the party.  I am a little nonplussed.  Until she drops the bombshell.

Ex was apparently there with his girlfriend...and of course I knew nothing about it.

Nothing about the fact that he had a girlfriend (his private life is his own and I certainly can't claim ownership to that information) and certainly nothing about the fact that he had introduced her to OUR sons.  Or taken her along to a children's party being attended by several of my friends, all of whom knew that I was completely in the dark about the situation.

Guess this gives a pretty good insight into what he thought about my Christmas card and how the cards are stacked for us to get back together...

I am furious.  And hurt.  A little humiliated that I have to find out this information from another parent.  But most of all I feel a gullible fool for placing so much trust in a man that I have shared most of my adult life with.

We'd had an agreement that we would have the courtesy of letting each other know if we were at the point of introducing someone we were seeing to the boys.  In my view this was out of ongoing respect for one another but also to ensure that the boys were not placed in a potentially awkward situation.

It appears that this agreement was one-sided.  Just like so many others.  What a coward.  Whatever led me to expect any more from this man?

My friend was mortified at having to tell me and could tell that I was immediately blindsided and upset.  I couldn't help myself - I picked up the phone and wrote the following email to ex:

"When were you going to have the decency to inform me that a woman you are dating has met the boys?

Don't you think I have a right to know that they have met a girlfriend?

I thought this was something that we had agreed out of respect for one another.  To have to be told by other mums is disgusting.

I don't have an issue with it - I do have an issue with being kept in the dark.

Apologies if this email appears to be attacking (believe me, I was exhibiting such self control at this point because what I really wanted to write was: you fucking, lying, cowardly, disrespectful bastard - you are obviously not to be trusted and I AM GETTING A FUCKING LAWYER....but I restrained myself) but I am hurt and embarrassed that you couldn't keep me informed."

Oh the joys of separation and the delicate process of moving forward with new partners.

And it is true to say that, whilst I am a little gutted that he is seeing someone else, I have hardly been a saint in that department.  Pot/Kettle and all that.

But I have never introduced men I am dating (yeah, cos there have been so many) to the boys and, if I had wanted to I would have respected our agreement and TOLD THE FUCKER FIRST, irrespective of how uncomfortable that conversation would have been.

But that's just me and I am obviously a very superior human being (*cough*).

I have to give ex his due, he did call approximately 20 minutes later but I wasn't really in a fit state to answer his call.  I knew I would either sob uncontrollably or scream abuse - probably a ripe old combination of both - which wasn't going to be to either one of our advantage in the long run.  About an hour later I received the following email (which I am guessing he assumed would be private...well, guess again, buddy boy):

"Yes I do think your note is a little over the top but I also understand you are angry.  I just tried to call you to talk voice to voice (bit late for that particular courtesy isn't it?) but as you weren't available I wanted to send you a note so you weren't stewing on it (moi?  stew?  whatever gave you that idea?).

Firstly, I apologize (okay - first, he used the AMERICAN spelling!  but I guess I appreciate the sentiment as long as you aren't going to try to justify your actions...).  I absolutely did not want to embarrass you or hurt you in any way.  Some thoughts for you...

- I did not realize (again....spelling!!!  not sure why this is upsetting me so much but I think it speaks volumes about his state of mind and his affinity to the US) the school mums would be so interested in things that are not of their concern.  (Because they are my friends, dick head, and they don't like to see a fellow mum have the wool pulled over her eyes possibly??)  I look forward to finding out details about them that I can share with others in the school.  Ha Ha.  (Did I mention he was a dick head?)  And I introduced her to one person (and don't even think I even used the word girlfriend) as I did consider the possibility of it getting back to you inappropriately if I didn't handle it right.  (Funnily enough mister, you had already burned all your boats by this point...but do carry on.)

- the reason the above is important is because that is one of the things that I wanted to talk to you about face to face when I sent the note recently

- other 'mitigating' factors(?).  She has not been introduced to the boys in any other way than a play date.  Like you I am sure, I meet up with adults/introduce them to adults all the time and this was no different.  For sure I made the point of treating her that way in front of them.

- she has met them twice - once out about town and then Sunday (this is a lie - she was also at his apartment on Saturday morning at 7.30am, when he left the boys with a babysitter and they went for a run/breakfast together).  This Sunday a whole bunch of people with kids went to breakfast first, she was the one that came along and she tagged on to the party as it happened right afterwards - breakfast was at 10am.  This tag on was not planned, but occurred due to the confusion of the party day (originally I thought it was Sat so arranged the breakfast for Sun).

- this is the first serious relationship I have had and is relatively new (less than six weeks)  (serious?  less than 6 weeks?  yea Gods, you haven't changed a bit or learned any lessons from our whirlwind experience, have you?  Like a little bit of caution, for example.)  a further reason for her not spending more time with the boys or them being told / seeing she is a girlfriend.  This is a new experience and I'm learning as I go.  Maybe, if I understand the situation properly, this is a bit like when you dated Sexy Single Dad and were also having play dates with his son?  (At least that's what I was told.)  That was not raised with me, so I assumed you wanted to see if it has merit / longevity before heading into that and sharing it with me and the boys.  (Ermm, not exactly the case.  SSD and I became friends because the boys became friends...then we dated a bit but avoided getting together with the boys because I felt too uncomfortable and underhand...and then we broke up amicably and play dates with the kids resumed, as they still do to this day.  How many play dates will your new girlfriend have with the boys if you break up exactly?  And I am a little exactly is it a play date when she doesn't in fact have any children to contribute to the equation?)

- finally I think, I continue to respect you enormously and do not want you to think this is a secret from you.  I will let you know any information you need / are interested in.  And, as we have discussed, hope to get to the point (assuming it lasts) where we meet up - and me with your partner of any time - and beyond cordial may even get on a tad - not just for the boys, but because history shows us that we have the same taste in friends.

And the main reason for openness is so that you do not feel you have to ask the boys anything, as I will tell you all you want.  (For example, I had never even met her at thanksgiving, just so you think that's why I let my mum come for dinner by herself and I chose her over the boys...which would not happen).  (Oh really...then how do you explain Christmas Eve, Mr Father Of the Year?)

Again, I am sorry us not talking yet / the party date changing / mums gossiping conspired to get it to you that way first but I assure you she is positioned (oh for God's sake - who is 'she' for heaven's sake, the cat's mother?  Does she not possess a name?) as a play date and I had every intention of telling you when we spoke.

As I said, I have not been dating all year so am working my way through it as best as I can.


I am not sure what I think of this email.  I am still pretty appalled that he has planned 'play dates' with his girlfriend and my two sons three times without my knowledge (despite our agreement) and wonder when he would have had the courtesy to tell me if the public parading opportunity hadn't presented itself at the children's party.

Not that any of this really matters.  No point getting my knickers in a twist regarding yet another disappointment, which I guess is really quite minor in the big scheme of things.

So then why does it feel so fucking monumental?  Am I sensible to feel so devoid of any trust whatsoever where Ex is concerned?  Do I need to focus my attention purely on looking after my own interests...and get a bloody lawyer FAST?  Isn't this simply how all divorce hell starts?  I so don't want to go there. But I so don't want to get screwed either.

The underlying message here is that Ex can't be trusted to either a) act with respect or b) adhere to a verbal agreement.

But the terrifying thought underpinning all my fear is that Ex will not plan to move home to the UK (possibly ever) AND - far more importantly - will work hard to prevent me removing the boys from the State, as he is legally entitled to do.


What a bloody mess my life feels.

And how is a heart meant to heal exactly, when it keeps being surgically punctured again and again?


  1. Oh hunny, I don't know what to say but I hope that telling us all about it has got it out of your system a bit, if not then please continue to rant away!
    With hugs BNMx

  2. Oh what a martyr. Him, not you.
    "As I say I haven't been dating all year..." WTF? That's a dig to say that you have been dating - he is missing the point - it is not the dating but the boys.
    At the same time, if I know Ex, he is doing this not out of spite but because he is afraid of you. That's why he picked a non-thinking woman as his first girlfriend (sorry, non-thinking woman, I am sure you are very, very nice).
    Everything he does is out of fear, covered with a big dollop of BS Pride.
    So, get yourself some legal advice, dismantle your guns, work out what you want. And vent all you like - just not to him.
    Love you, love you, love you... x x x x x

  3. I SO know where you are coming from...everything my ex does is another stab to the heart and as you say it just never seems to heal. What a total thoughtless dickhead - he won't have thought it through and won't have meant to hurt you - this is a major male/female different angle thing and you are doing a protecting the kids thing and alongside that is the hurt as you say of him being with somebody else. Breathing is just about all you can do. It's shit. I know. I'm sorry. Just look after those lovely kids of yours and keep on writing in your wonderfully strong styleLx

  4. Your ex sounds as much of an arsehole as mine. I totally understand your frustration - they just don't get it.

    Thank you for your very touching comments on my latest post.

    Hang in there - it does get better, I promise.

    Kitty x

  5. Oh what a nightmare. As you say. Breathe. Breathe. Deeply. Big hugs. xxx

  6. Maybe we should start up a group of women with arsehole ex-husbands? We could call it the Dickhead Ex Club.

    He's an insensitive, self-obsessed, unfeeling person. I know you held onto a hope that you would reunite, but I think you're well shot of him.

    Take care x

  7. I would say it's time to start moving forward and on. You've been in limbo far too long. It's time to come to a sense of closure. Then the real healing can begin.

  8. Darling,
    I know how you feel.
    Speak very soon.

    P.S. Can't talk too much on my feelings about exs, as I tend to get a bit furious and worked up.

  9. Oh Nicola, you poor thing. Finding out like that must have been horrible. I am not sure what to advise but hang in there, and remind yourself constantly that you deserve much more than him and yes, one day you will find it.

  10. Well it was a crap thing to do but I have to say that his text sounds rational and apologetic. (And he might have American spell check like my phone does!!!)
    I don't blame you for everything you're feeling. How awful.

  11. I've tagged you over at mine should you fancy doing a meme. xx

  12. Must be so difficult. Keep up the breathing.

  13. So he turns up with a girlfriend at a party, and thinks that you heard about it because "the school mums are interested in things that are not their concern". He is (a) naive, and (b) silly, and (c) a man. Otherwise, how could he possibly think that you wouldn't hear? And how could he possibly think that these things aren't of concern to school mums?

    Duh, duh, duh....

  14. Hey sweetie, email me at teachermommyblog [at] gmail [dot] com, okay? I'm not sure that I have your email and I have something I want to send your way in the (relative) privacy of email.

  15. Some people really are numbskulls. Imagine not thinking details of who he took to the party would get back to you, the pompous prat. Lucky the boys have inherited your intelligence, charm, good looks and demeanour rather than his... PMx (Sorry. Am VERY cross on your behalf).

  16. I think I need to buy you a drink! I need one too after finishing my manuscript this morning!:)

  17. It sounds like such hard work. I really feel for you.

  18. So sorry to hear about all the drama with your ex. Relationships are so very complicated and painful when they come apart. I am with you all the way and hope that things look up.