Monday, November 16, 2009

You Missed A Bit

So on the days that I bother/have time to have a shower in the morning, I typically have a bathroom companion in the form of my 4 year old, Johnny Drama.

Heaven forbid that I am allowed even 10 minutes of peace and privacy to soap down my genitals with cascading warm water and some Lush shower gel, without an audience and ongoing commentary - typically revolving around the difference in our genitalia appearance. (Although I guess I ought to be grateful that the functionality of our individual sexual organs hasn't become the prime topic of conversation. Yet.)

Although Johnny Drama rarely ventures into the shower with me, he invariably takes the opportunity to get naked whilst he expresses his sympathy, once again, over the fact that I am still incapable of growing a penis. He views this as a great tragedy, that I bear admirably. I try to assure him that in my mind, it is no great loss but he clearly doesn't believe me and I usually receive several consolatory hugs around the knees, whilst trying to towel myself dry.

These naked little hugs can be the highlight of my day. The incredible softness of his sturdy, plump, lush flesh pressed against my bare legs is so exquisite that, even when I am severely pushed for time and we are late, yet again, I can't help but pause for that moment and savour this affection. This morning I bent over and covered his pensive face with kisses.

"Geddoff me, mum! No kisses!"

Oh, the joys of the 4 year old who already thinks he is too old to suffer a peck on the cheek from his own mother.

Sometimes I obey his indignant command. But mostly I ignore him and simply dive in for more. This morning was no different. I grab him and start to smother him in kisses, from behind his ear, to his elbow, armpit, tummy, back, knees, thighs and chubby little feet.

"No kisses, eh? No kisses? I'll give you 'no kisses' you little monkey..."

Johnny Drama writhes in ecstatic giggles as I bite his bottom and continue to kiss him all over. Finally I let him go with a mock warning: let that be a lesson to you for telling me, your own mother, no kisses...

He looks at me with a face of pure innocence, penis outstretched in his hand..."You missed a bit mummy".

I pause, completely taken back.

"You missed a bit mummy" he repeats, "c'mon, kiss my penis. C'mon. Kiss it." He smiles up at me, totally guileless.

I feel completely unprepared for how to deal with the situation. I've never had an issue with nudity - mine or theirs - but even when they were both babies, and I kissed every square inch of them from head to toe, I never kissed their genitals. I wasn't sure how to explain, at 6.53am, that the kissing of his penis wasn't really appropriate - even though it appears to be by far Johnny Drama's favourite body part and I am sure he would spend a fair amount of his waking hours kissing it himself, if it was physically possible.

I shuffle with embarrassment into the bedroom, as JD stalks me with penis still in hand giggling while he seeks to continue the kissing game, and start to get dressed. Would it really be so bad if I gave it a quick kiss and then we just got on with our day?

I acquiesce by blowing his penis a kiss as I busy myself with making the bed.

I am sure that, during your lifetime Johnny Drama, there will be plenty of women willing to give your penis a kiss. Unfortunately my love, I just can't bring myself to be one of them.

But I am sure your peachy little bottom is not regarded as 'out of bounds' for at least a couple of years yet...right?


  1. oh deary me. I'm not sure what I would have done either. but perhaps blowing it a kiss was the best thing. A very funny post.

  2. Oo! Right choice! Do you think that you need to start building your Warning Campaign for all of female-kind?

  3. I know what you want to kiss every part of them. Just not that part.......

  4. That was a brilliant post loved it! He sounds hillarious but i think you handled penis gate brilliantly!

  5. Thank god my sons have not asked me to kiss that. Yet. Your mornings and mine sound identical (well except for the penis kissing part). Fab post

  6. OMG just hilarious. This is my new favourite post & I am off to Tweet it immediately. I had a disturbing incident yesterday; E had sore girly-bits and I asked her big brother (3) to bring me the cream. He asked to put it on and I didn't really think anything of it, so let him. He delved straight into her ahem bits, she giggled, and I suddenly felt a bit nauseous. It was all very wrong!

  7. So relieved we don't have that problem in our house! Made me laugh though.

  8. Absolutely hilarious! With 3 boys of my own under the age of 6, I know its hard sometimes to know what to do or even say! The innocence of children... isn't it great!x

  9. Heather - I know. Part of me feels that if - heaven forbid - I had kissed his penis, just innocently, and then he just happened to tell his teacher for just doesn't reflect good things about your parenting, does it? But he was quite crushed and very confused when I avoided kissing it, Hope I haven't given him a complex...

    Potty Mummy - yeah...fantastic that it hasn't happened to you, you mean ;))

    KR - the boy is destined to be a tart, given his preoccupation with his penis at this young age. He is not going to need any further encouragement from me. All mothers with 4 year old girls consider yourselves duly warned...

    Nappy Valley Girl - I know. I hate attributing any sexual connotation to their genitals, but even tho it is pink, cute and for the most part clean, it still feels plain wrong on just that one level to kiss it.

    WOB - It's so odd. I was so concerned with not giving him a if my refusing to kiss his willy is going to be a factor when he gets older....

    HOM - Welcome back!!! Don't count your chickens just yet - your turn could be just around the corner when you are least expecting it!

    MTJAM - Oh God, I get that completely. It is so innocent...but also inexplicably wrong, wrong, wrong! We obviously have thwarted minds...

    Rosie - Would it be different if a daughter told you you missed a bit and pointed to her vulva??? I mean, it just wouldn't, would it??

    Sarah - Thanks! 3 boys eh? Wow, you must have your hands full. I salute you. And yes, it is great - and quite entertaining at just how often they innocently manage to put you on the spot!

  10. Not that you ever wanted to anyway, (and we're all there with you) but the DCFS (authorities) would be all over you were that to get out at school. There is something scrumptious about a bare bottom but not the p.

  11. Isn't it sad when something like that happens and you realise their innocence won't last forever? But I agree, the bum is still fair game. I still like to jiggle my girls' bums because they're so cute, and they're now 10 and 13!

  12. With you every step of the way here. Especially the bit about the dimpled bottoms still be allwoed for a few more years.

  13. At least I know how I am going to handle it when Baby Boy tells me I missed a bit! A blown kiss in the general direction will do it!

  14. That's really tickled me!! I feel forearmed & forewarned! I now know what to do when Sam comes at me with his penis! He's so obsessed with it I know it's only a matter of time.

  15. Blowing the kiss - the perfect solution.

  16. There's a joke in there too, but I'm too coy to point it out...