Sunday, March 8, 2009

Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man

So it has been quite a week. More downs than ups but just when you think it can't get any worse a friend rescues you and...before you know it you are invited to be on the Oprah Winfrey show.

YES! The Oprah show! Me. I am going to be filmed on the Oprah show on Thursday and it is freaking me out. And I need your help.

It all started on Wednesday when my friend had a ticket to be in the audience and at the end they were promoting a show due to be filmed next Thursday with Steve Harvey, where he would be taking questions regarding his latest book Act Like A Woman, Think Like A Man. So my unselfish friend, without a thought for herself, queued for an hour to talk to the producer and then she offered my services. The producers wanted to feature questions from women for men and Steve was going to do his damnest to answer them.

Apparently the majority of the women in front of her all had questions revolving around the same angle, the gist being 'why are men so threatened by my feminine power?' (I kid you not.)

My angle (apparently) is 'why do I constantly get male attention and get told I am funny, smart, beautiful and the sexiest woman they have ever met (snort) and then nothing happens?' I feel she is elaborating somewhat but hey, this is a chance for TV fame so nothing ventured, nothing gained, right?

So now I have spoken to two producers and have been invited, along with a friend, to attend the show and have to be prepared to ask lots of questions. FUUUUUCCCCKKKKKK!!!

For a start, God only knows what my ex is going to think if he ever finds out I am talking on International TV about my issues with snaring a man. I am obviously going to keep stum and hope he never finds out.

The other issue is what the hell am I going to wear? Is anyone going to help me with my makeup or I am going to have the bare the embarrassment of telling everyone in the Western world that men tell me I am the sexiest thing on 2 legs...whilst looking like a complete troll?

And then of course, the real area where I need your help. The questions.

Two guys I have met and been out with in the past 3 months have given me the whole 'wow, you are lovely, sexy, any man would give his left arm to be with you' spiel before they hotfooted into the distance, never to be heard from again. So there is the original angle. I am also considering the 'am I in competition with young, hot 20 yr olds with no baggage, no kids and bigger boobs?...if so, I am so screwed' angle.

Whilst this is all a bit of a laugh, and I can't really believe I am about to have approximately 2 minutes of cringe-worthy fame, I am also a little intrigued by what I can learn. Ultimately, I do want to meet an incredible man and be in a relationship that might hopefully last the rest of my life. Being in the (outskirts) of the dating scene right now really does highlight how I just don't have a clue how men think. I don't want to be making the same mistakes over and over again in my 40s, possibly 50s and beyond (heaven forbid). I am really fucking lonely and need to know that this isn't going to last forever.

So c'mon everyone - help a girl out here a little. Do you have any questions that I can beg, borrow and steal for the show? What would you ask Steve, if you were in my position?


  1. Ask why men aren't psychic.

  2. Can I be the friend that comes with you??? Please??? Please?????
    I always wanted to be able to go to Oprah.
    (Is that too much like begging?)

  3. Bloody Hell!!! I am going to have to mull this over properly today. I will be back. As to make up - I would do the works, but the "natural" look. You know, a good pint of slap but in subtle tones. Always works - and don't mention the fat bat gag you cracked on my blog. Am adding you to my blogroll, btw. Cx

  4. OMG!!! I meant "back fat". Mind's gone - sorry.

  5. How exciting! Wow. I'd be terrified. My questions would be:

    - How is it that men are able to sleep through a baby crying?
    - Are men actually allergic to the magnetic forcefield surrounding dishwashers which prevents them from putting plates into it, instead of on top of it?

    Good luck - can you post a link of the clip afterwards? Don't think we get Ophrah here

  6. You Go Girl!! What a shame they don't air this in the UK. You will have to post a link (no matter how excruciating) or else (distraught Laurence Olivier style in 'The Jazz Singer') "I haf no sister"
    Questions to ask... hmmm... my questions would be:
    1) Do men have an inbuilt sensor that detects the 'neediness transmission signals' from women, and if so, how can we disable it without causing actual bodily harm?
    2) Why are men are so hopeless at saying "I'm Just Not That In To You" - with a constructive list of reasons why not, given that it is common knowledge that us women turn blatently neurotic when forced to guess.
    3) If two people are destined to be together, what difference does it make to the man's way of thinking if the woman 'puts it all out there on a plate' right from the word go?

    Too deep? Not deep enough? Am staying with Belle Grey on Thursday night. Phone call mandatory. Love you xxx

  7. Chairman Bill - after now reading a little of his book in preparation it appears that men are not at all psychic and women have to lump it

    Mums - you know you would be my first choice if you were here!

    Cassandra - thanks for coming over...still waiting for your questions! And yes, the revelation about back fat will not be revealed on tv...

    HOM - Thanks for your questions. Yes, these are global phenomenons aren't they? As for posting a, I will try!

    KR - thanks for the questions - duly noted and I will let you know the answers!

  8. Wow, Nicola this sounds great! I've totally given up on men so I honestly can't think of single question that I want to know the answer to! I'll come back if I do think of one though. Good luck!

  9. That is fantastic - what a great opportunity - go and get your make-up done free by someone in the cosmetic dept - Laura mercier or something and tell them it needs to be good - you will so have a major choice of men after that - what about "why are men such arseholes?" Lx

  10. Oh my Goodness Oprah, that really is quite special!

    And those men, would you really want them, really.... they sound like ***** to me. Next time you see someone you think is a fine man go to him... like going shopping... and give him a squeeze like a pear.

  11. Despite how you may be feeling or how ravaged you think that you look, everything will pull together for the show... even if you collapse in to a coma the minute you get home.
    I believe that it is the 'energy' that these men see. And your fabulous eyes. At least, that's the only explanation for the compliments I receive when I have a hacking cough and a chin covered in rough, red, dry patches... (what ARE they thinking?!)
    Give my love to Oprah. And Johnny Drama.. And Captain Underpants..