Wednesday, March 18, 2009

The Abyss

I am really struggling right now. I knew the separation would be difficult but I didn't expect to be facing a future which, any way that I look at it, resembles an abyss. It's hard not to keep walking towards the abyss. The darkness and futility of it is so appealing. All this creeping around the edges of it is exhausting. On many days the lure is so strong I want to plunge into it headfirst and just get all this angst and sadness over and done with, once and for all.

So not the light, happy post about Oprah then.


Or the exciting Rock Chick post about going to see Razorlight and then meeting the band afterwards and getting invited along to the bar for drinks with them.

No. None of that.

I am the gloom monster.

I'm just not sure where I meant to get my strength from right now. I want everything to be amicable. And I want everything to be fair. But I think my ex wants to play by different rules. He holds all the purse strings and our agreement for 'financial transparency' appears to have gone by the wayside. I'm not sure I have the will for this fight. I am dreading the potential repercussions. And of course, if the abyss isn't an option then all I really want to do is take flight and go home. Take my boys and start again in the UK. But that isn't an option either.

It's a really, really hard week.

I do know it isn't the end of the world. I am making an effort to keep a perspective on it. It's normal to be sad when a marriage is over. It's rational to be scared when you're financially vulnerable. And it is only money. Although I have been in bed sick with flu the past 3 days, I do have my health. I do have a great life. A great life. A happy life.

So why all the constant tears??? I am a broken, leaking faucet right now. I honestly thought I had no tears left after all the sobbing I have done over the past 3 years. But here they are again.

I will get a grip. But right now, I just want a hug. Oh. And some cash. That would take a weight off my mind too.

Normal, lighthearted profanity strewn ramblings will resume shortly. Promise.


  1. Oh honey :'( I have no spare cash I'm afraid, and no words of wisdom, but I do have lots and lots of virtual hugs for you((((((((((()))))))))))))
    You've been through worse than this, and survived xx

  2. Retain the moral high-ground and don't get into battles - even if he wants one. Do what's right, regardless of your feelings and emotions.

  3. Sweetheart,
    Please be strong, you will get through this.
    But more importantly, the boys need you.
    I'll give you many hugs when we get there.
    Remember that you are loved by many.

  4. You're right, I have been waiting in breathless anticipation for an update on the Oprah show but it sounds as though you have a good excuse. Sending plenty of virtual hugs your way. Things will get better. Hang in there.

  5. Gosh, that's a tough one. Sounds like you're still going through the grieving process for the loss of your relationship. It will take time. There is no easy answer. When I'm feeling bad I get through the days an hour at a time, the time passes and the bleakness does not last forever. And when I'm ill (like with flu) life always seems worse. Rest and relax and don't be too hard on yourself. Hugs x

  6. MTJAM - thank you SO much. Hugs gratefully received. And you're right, I have been thru worse x

    Bill - Good advice. I am going to keep being true to myself and not let my actions degenerate. I know how I act now is going to create the foundation for our relationship for years to come.

    Mums - thank you my lovely. can't wait to see you.x

    HOM - An update will follow - thank you so much for your kind words

    Rosie - It's weird because I thought I had grieved the relationship long ago but I do feel so incredibly and overwhelmingly sad. Every time I see ex I burst into tears. Goddam leaky 'eyebulbs' as the boys would say. Thank you so much for your support.

  7. Don't know what to say, but hope that writing that post was therapeutic in itself.