Friday, May 14, 2010

Rubber Band

So I can't help hoping that I am a Rubber Band Girl...that I get bent and stretched to capacity but ultimately that I just twang back into shape.  Also digging the strait jacket at the end of the video.  That would have come in plenty handy this week - although I think I am in need of a mental strait jacket to stop my mind whirling all over the place, going to places that I would prefer not to go right now.

Odd how a medical diagnosis - even one as optimistic as mine - can create both emotional clarity and chaos.

My first instinct and desire is to be with my husband.  For after all, he is still my husband.  I have dealt with every significant event for the past 13 years with him...and believe me, we have had our fair share of them.  There is noone else that I would rather have at my side right now.

And he has offered to be there.

But he will still go home to his girlfriend.  So do I take up the offer, as well-intended as it is, or not?  Could this possibly be a situation that could pull us back together?  Or am I just too vulnerable to think straight right now?  

I want to share with him how I really feel.  Lay it on the line, once on for all.  After all - what's the worse that can happen?  We are already separated.  He already shares his life with a girlfriend.  If the status quo remains then my position is unchanged and maybe I can truly move on.  

This has not been solely prompted by skin cancer diagnosis.  There have been three other influences recently which have caused me to wonder if he is reconsidering our relationship.  So is he?  Surely there is only one way to find bare my soul?

I haven't up to this point.   I have tried to appear strong and funny and sexy and 'OK' - all the right ingredients to tempt him back, right?  Make him realise what he is missing.  Get him to ditch the American tart (no offence...I am sure you are a lovely girl and a super nice human being) for the simple reason that she just isn't me.  

Life is too short to play games, isn't it?     

Mind you, I'm not too good at games.  I once locked myself in the toilet for 45 minutes in a sulk at a dinner party because I was losing at Monopoly.

Shame the game of life isn't proving to be any easier.  

Or that I am still not capable of growing up and not getting into a big, fat sulk when I am on the losing end.


  1. I don't know. I don't think my own experience offers anything upon which to draw for this situation, and I'm left with little to say.

    I suppose...if you're willing to take the chance of the inevitable hurt you would feel should you bare your soul and be rejected...Well, perhaps you should. At the very least, you would know you had truly tried everything.

    Nothing lost, nothing gained?

    But I fear for you. And I'm not sure how much of that is my own bitter memories.

  2. I have just come across your blog - what an amazing read.

    I haven't played tennis for eleven years. I went away to a fabulous hotel / spa place shortly after meeting my husband. I sort of didn't win at tennis and had a tantrum that lasted a good few hours and sulked for the rest of the weekend. I look on it as strength of character which you clearly have tons of. As the Italian ssay - forza.xx

  3. Oh arse.

    Re. cancer, I am certain you'll kick its metaphorical butt.

    Re. baring of the soul. Hmmm, tough one. I think we all go through the urge to get back together with our ex 'other halves'. Is it a good thing?..jury's out. Question to ask yourself: What has changed that would sort the problems that split you up out? - And I don't mean molding yourself into what you think he wants - come on now, you're not at school any more...!
    It's so natural to fall back into the roles that we have had for so many years - I am 6 years on from my 1st marriage split up and 3 years into my 2nd marriage ( to a wonderful man, etc etc) and I still find myself using phrases and mentioning things that were in jokes with my 1st husband. BTW 1st husband turned out to be a cheating, skanky perve bastard who now lives with one of his conquests in Canada thus abandoning our 12 year old...but hey.
    What I'm trying to say is that it is easy to slide back into being that person - for both of you - but then the now will reassert itself and it will feel peculiar.
    I'm quite gung ho though and I feel that there's no shame in telling him how you feel, stand tall and tell him (no begging or crying)but don't expect anything back, if you have a fairy tale ending and live happily ever after together fantastic, but if you don't then at least you'll know that you were true to yourself and your feelings and you'll never be plagued with the thought that things would have been better if only you'd told him. Dignity should be your watchword... I hope this makes sense and apologise for the ridiculous sentence lengths etc.
    Take care

  4. Sorry, me again, I meant to add that if you do bare all and get a negative answer that does leave you FREE to move on and you'll be able to look forward and not back.
    Sorry, Hels

  5. I like to think that I've evolved beyond sulking but that's just not true. So I know where you're coming from. In regards to the ex, hmm, that is tough. Whenever I wanted an ex-boyfriend back and he agreed, within a few short weeks it all became very clear why we separated in the first place. Not that I'm saying this will be your case but I'm just saying. Good luck and I hope it works out for you, whichever path you choose.

  6. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, isn't that what they say? But I don't know Nicola - from the little I know about your situation I think you may well have outgrown him by now. Having said that, discussing your true feelings might at least give you some closure, and you'll be able to look back without regrets if it doesn't go your way. God, I don't know.
    All I can say is that you're an amazing woman and you don't deserve some of the past treatment he's handed your way, but people change, so who knows. I'm not helping, am I? Let's have a virtual martini and talk it over... PMx

  7. I dont have any wise words, but my thoughts are it is not worth having regrets, so either way, which will cause the least regret

  8. Hi, I'm not sure which is worse. You husband situation or the cancer. Perhaps they could even be linked. We can make ourselves ill - like you said.

    With the husband, remember how well it is working for him and how unwell this is working for you. If you tell him, I'd promise myself that'd it would be the deciding factor for the divorce and getting plans for your move underway.

    (I have been through something similar).

    Love and luck, hari xx

  9. It sounds as though you and Husband may have some unfinished business to sort out before you can finally move on. Maybe this medical diagnosis is the time to lay both of your cards on the table? And if it doesn't work, move on....I don't know. Only you can make that decision, I guess. Sending positive vibes though......x

  10. I too would have to literally climb out of my skin and hand it over if they wanted to remove every mole. I am in fact one big mole with a bit of skin attached. Poor you. It will no doubt be fine and you will get regular checks now but it's a bit of a wake up call for getting on and saying what you need to say to your husband I would have thought - especially if it slightly shocked you that it was him you wanted with you. Maybe it's the prompt you need. What harm will be done in trying anyway....he can only say no and you've done what you can. Go girl xx

  11. Didn't you go through these thoughts before, though? Didn't you end up sending a card, sharing them with him?

    Have I mis-remembered?

  12. I'm sorry you're having such a horrid time. These things are really hard to navigate through.

  13. I think this (sorry if it comes out blunt but I'm trying to see the unbiased truth from afar here - feel free to disregard):

    If you bare your soul, here are the possible outcomes:

    1. He swears his undying love and wants to return to you and you live happily ever after.

    2. He swears his undying love and wants to return to you and he does but you never really know whether he's returned because he loves you or because he feels duty bound/obligated too because of the cancer

    3. He stays with his girlfriend, you feel like an idiot

    4. He stays with his grilfriend and you feel like you've given it a last shot and can finally move on.

    Options 1 and 4 are best. Option 3 is short term embarrassment. Option 2 is the worst of the lot. How sure could you be that if you bared your soul and he returned that he was returning for the right reasons i.e. that he loves you and wants to be with you, not because he feels obligated to?

    I know exactly how you feel wanting to share this with him and wishing he was with you. But think carefully. Is it him that you're really wishing was with you to share this, or just someone who can love and support you?

    Just stuff to ponder. Hang in there.

  14. Nics, I would never say never - I know how you feel about Ex. All I can say is that I don't think now is the right time to test it.
    If you are to get back together then it needs to happen at a time when you don't need him - when you are not dealing with skin cancer and a scary move back to the UK, when you are not feeling so very vulnerable, rubber band girl or not.
    I also think that if anything is going to happen, then in order for it to work - and I mean really work - it needs to come from him.
    If you push for things now and get rejected, could you really bounce back? Or will that rubber band finally snap?
    You need as much support as you can get at the moment, so find it and accept it. Get your life back in to a place of strength and then work out where he fits in.
    I love you so much
    Little Sis x x x

  15. I totally agree with K Rookie. Perhaps the time you get to spend with him over this week and next might allow you to see more of whatever undertones you have sensed, and then you might feel more strongly about whether or not to bare your soul. If you do it this week and it's not what he wants to hear at the moment, I don't think you'll be in a bouncing mood and it might push him away when you really need his help on a practical level.
    Speaking of which, please phone if there is anything at all I can do.

  16. Ah - isn't life a breeze sometimes? I have no answers, but I will be sticking around to hear how you're doing.

  17. Wouldn't it be nice to put these things to a vote? But in the end the decision is yours alone. Whatever you decide your bloggie friends will be here. HUGS

  18. I know this is not going to help at all, but I have given you an award over at my place. Love Kxx