Wednesday, May 26, 2010

It's Quite Scary How Well She Knows Me

So I had quite the most brilliant idea the other day.  I am looking for a place in North sister is looking for a place in North London.  We are both a bit short of money but could afford somewhere decent verging on almost spacious if we's just an obvious match made in heaven, isn't it?

Well I thought so.

So I called her and asked her.  She was a on the phone.  And then a little later I received the following in an email.  I read the first scenario with a big smile on my face...which soon turned into guffaws of laughter when I read the second.

Oh dear.  She really does know me and the boys far too well.  (By the way, for the following to make sense I ought to tell you that her nickname for me is Mergatroid and mine for her is Lurgatroid - it must be all the antibiotics and pain meds because I can't for the life of me remember why).

Scenario No. 1.

Mon: Good day at work.  Had a bite to eat with colleague before heading to the Zohar class.  Got home at 10pm, Mergatroid on couch with glass of wine, boys in bed.  Told Merg all about Very Attractive Man at Kabbalah Centre.  Merg told me all about Hot Downstairs Neighbour.

Tues: Another good day at work - seriously, I would do this for free if I could live on air.  Got home at 6:30, started cooking chicken curry whilst Merg bathed the boys.  They read their bedtime story to me and told me about their new friends.   Poured some pear vodka which I snorted through my nose when Merg told me what Johnny Drama had said that afternoon.

Weds:  Another good day at work.  Went to Yoga class afterwards, then to astrology class at K Centre.  Was invited out for coffee at weekend by Very Attractive Man (VAM).  Got home at 10, ate a ton of dips and watched some crap TV.  Couldn't sleep.  Too excited.

Thurs:  Seriously, they are paying me to do this?  Got home early, helped put the boys to bed after they had done a fantastic job of clearing away their toys, whilst Merg rustled up some excellent nibbles for Book Club.  Drank lots of vodka and talked about the finer points of foreskins.  Laughed until my stomach hurt.

Friday:  Slight hangover.  Work good again.  By some major miracle, boys with Ex for weekend so met Merg at K Centre for Shabbat at 7:30 followed by first meal.  Home at 11:30pm.  Merg then tells me that VAM rang the house and that she answered and he thought she was me.  Apparently I am meeting with VAM on Sunday for coffee.  He originally said Saturday after shabbat, but Merg changed the place and time, re: The Rules.  Fantastic.  Not sure I would have had the strength.

Saturday:  Arrived at K Centre at 9:30 to help prepare Shabbat lunch, which finished at 3pm.  Went home for a snooze.  Rented a DVD, Merg and I curled up on the sofa and had quiet night in, comparing the bums and chests of every single man that had passed through the Kabbalah Centre.

Sunday:  Nice lie in, mooched about in jim jams.  Did a spot of housework and laundry.  Went for coffee with VAM.  Think it could be love.  No, honestly.  Had a nice wander in Highgate Woods.  Merg got us invited to Hot Downstairs Neighbour's barbecue, who an eye for Merg and is great with the boys.  Really nice guy, to boot, I think she's in there... ;o)

Monday: Skipped to the tube filled with joy and love....

Scenario 2:

Monday:  Good day at work, although not too sure that colleagues were impressed with the cat hair and streaming eyes.  Had to have a lie down at the back of Starbucks before heading to Zohar class.  People think I have fleas.  Got home at 10pm, Mergatroid stomps down the stairs after sending Johnny Drama back to bed for the fifth time, downs a glass of vodka and asks whether it is really too much to ask to get a decent evening without any interruptions.  I think she is talking about the boys.  At least, I hope she is talking about the boys.

Tuesday: Got to work late after cleaning the boys breakfast off the walls and floor whilst Merg went upstairs to get changed for the second time.  Got home early and went to cook the dinner, but was seconded to putting the boys to bed as Merg was "sick to death of the sight of them".  Merg got pissed on vodka in the space of half an hour.  Had indigestion by the time dinner was ready.  Trod on some cat sick in my socks.  Nice.

Wednesday:  Woke up to the sound of the boys gently fighting on the landing.  Got scalded in the shower when one of them thought it would be funny to flush the loo - twice.  Discovered at the last minute that Bert the cat had thrown up all over my yoga kit, which put the kibosh on that idea.  Spent ten minutes rubbing cat hair from my clothes, but still managed to sneeze my way through an entire meeting (and one of these was a snot sneeze, in front of the MD).  Antihistamines not working.  Decided to skip the astrology class.  Arrived home to living room turned upside down, the boys playing battle games.  Tried to skulk off to my room for a bit of peace, but they followed me there.  Ended up shouting at them and they both ended up in tears.  Bad Auntie.  

Thursday:  Woke up unable to breathe and with face on fire, and discovered a large patch of cat hair on my pillow.  The boys thought it might be funny to let Ernie in to my room 'because he likes me'.   Went to work with a blotchy red face, my left eyeball hanging out and wheezing like an accordian.  Got home late, with a headache, and the boys still up, driving Merg crazy whilst she tried to entertain her Book Club guests.  Nobody in Book Club could look at me because my eyeball was hanging out.  Sloped off to my room and found Bertie hiding under the bed.  It took ten full minutes to coax him out, but which time Ernie had snuck in to escape the ensuing chaos downstairs.  Went to sleep to the sound of raucous screams as the Book Club ladies discussed the finer points of foreskins.

Friday:  Soaked my head in a bucket of cold water to ease the allergic reaction, but still looked like Elephant Woman.  Trod on one of those fucking sharp little shitty bits of Lego that Captain Underpants had dropped on the stairs.  Went to make a cup of tea, but no clean cups due to book club last night (where cups of coffee were consumed in a futile attempt to sober up).  Went to shabbat, was chatted up by a fat bloke who doesn't have an allergy to cats, but who had developed a really nasty skin condition on his thighs, apparently, which he thought was somehow similar.  Great.  Spotted a Very Attractive Man across the room, who looked in to my gummy eyes for a split second before wincing and turning away.

Saturday: Went to shabbat, but skipped second and third meal because the house is a complete tip and is full of cat hair.  Spent the afternoon tidying up and defurring everything.  Stopped itching at around 4pm, after overdosing on antihistamine.  Hoping that taking four tablets at once isn't going to kill me.  House stayed tidy until the boys came home half an hour later.  Must find effective method of hoovering cats.  Wanted to watch some TV and for the boys to play in their room just for a bit of space, but nothing doing.  Hid in room and googled "legal small child restraints UK" and scanned hopefully through 37,300 results for seat belts.

Sunday:  Was woken up at 6am and despite ear plugs and pillow over head, could not get back to sleep.  Made some coffee and returned to room.  Merg also hiding in room.  We hid together.  Whilst the boys trashed the house.   Finally braved it and did some washing, remembering to de-fluff the washing machine beforehand.  Clothes still full of cat hair but at least it is clean cat hair.  Got a phone call from fat man inviting me for coffee, and told me at the same time that he had a severe nut allergy and therefore couldn't possibly risk Starbucks.  Or Costa.  Or AMT.  Or actually any coffee shops, so maybe I could join him for a glass of water in an antiseptic environment.  Thought about nice ways to say no, but then decided that the best deterrent would be to invite him round here for half an hour.  He lasted five minutes.  Hot Downstairs Neighbour had a barbecue today, and came round to ask if we could 'keep the noise down for just five minutes because it sounds as though the flat is being rented to a herd of fucking elephants'.  Merg not happy.  Tried to watch rented DVD in evening and failed.  Resorted to vodka. 
Monday: Oh fuck, is it Monday already?

So I am still looking for a possible flat mate.  Any offers?  The cat hair is thrown in at no extra charge.


  1. ROFL!!!!

    Oh dear. Oh dear oh dear oh dear.

    Good luck with that one.

  2. Your sister sounds as hilarious as you are! Very funny indeed.

  3. Aaaah sisterhood...

  4. Your sister is hysterical. As someone who is also allergic to cats, I can see how she feels.....

  5. That is so funny and so well written! Love 'shitty bits of lego!'

    Seems like a no from Lurgatroid then!

  6. I take it you're moving in together next week then. ;-) Very funny. x

  7. Haha....good luck!
    I'm so behind on what's happening...sorry. So you're back now? xx

  8. Oh Brilliant! There's nothing like sisters....

  9. Yes - my sister has such a classic sense of humour, doesn't she? Must run in the family...

  10. You're lucky to have each other. I wouldn't share a flat with my sister. Never. I wouldn't even welcome her to stay overnight.

  11. At least the two of you can contemplate living together.
    My sister and I wouldn't last 5 days, let alone 5 minutes.