Thwarted By A Five Year Old Being Too Damn Adorable

Picture the scene. Class of twenty 5 year olds, all sitting nicely on pint sized chairs in a semi circle, waiting to delight their mums with a mini performance of sorts.

Cue the singing of "You are my sunshine" whilst waving big yellow painted suns in an arc above their head from right to left. Aaah. So cute.

Cue the presentation of the suns to each individual mum. "You are my sunshine mum". Oh bless. They are so earnest and intent and adorable.

Oh hang about. This is a new format - each child solemnly stands up in turn and explains why they love their mummy so much.

"I love my mummy and she is special because she is pretty." (And she is. Stunning in fact. And newly divorced. Going out on the town with her is akin to Miss Universe going for dinner for drinks with Waynetta Slob. She gets a lot of attention. I slouch in the corner feeling like the dog's dinner and obviously appearing just as appetizing as far as all the men are concerned.)

"I love my mummy and she is special because she takes me to the park."

Ooh - wait for it. Captain Underpants stands and fixes his big baby blues on mine.

"I love my mummy and she is special because she does the best bedtime stories."

And that's why he loves me. Not because I am pretty. Not because of the hours I spend at the park. Not for all the nutritious food I force him to eat or the endless cuddles and kisses I force him to endure. I tell a good story. I guess it could be worse.

After the final song is sung and the glittery Mother's Day cards are handed over with great aplomb and pride Captain Underpants whispers in my ear.

"I said you did the best bedtime stories Mama."

"I know you did sweetheart. That was lovely. I am so happy you like them."

"I was talking about Fiery Ferguson Mama. But I didn't want to say his name because he is our secret isn't he? And NO-ONE in my class has a bedtime story as special as Fiery Ferguson. So it is our secret. Okay?"

Okay. Nice timing Universe. It couldn't have been more pertinent.

Guess I am stuck with him then.

Fiery Ferguson: 1 Mum: 0

Goddamn Mother's Day and irresistable 5 year olds.