Thursday, May 21, 2009

Puppetry Of The Penis

Captain Underpants has many talents. The voluntary modelling of 3-d objects using his male body part does not appear to be one of them right now.

The same cannot be said for Johnny Drama.

Johnny Drama found his penis when he was 2 months old and hasn't let go since. It is like living with a pint sized person who is constantly perfecting his balloon modelling skills...without having any balloons in the vicinity.

When he was safely encased in Pampers, this wasn't so much of an issue. Since potty training himself at the age of 2 his preferred mode of dress has been naked from the waist down, allowing for maximum ventilation and undeterred access. At first he unconsciously practiced the simple protective cupping manoeuvre occasionally interrupted by a gentle tweak or flick with his fingers. It all seemed a natural and innocent comforting gesture and I never gave much thought to it.

Little did I know that 18 months later I would be visually assaulted on a daily basis by a three and a half year old performing a repertoire of penile contortions that would make most grown men's eyes water.

In the midst of getting dressed in the morning there's the quick practice of the last chicken at Sainsbury's, followed by the greyhound then the wristwatch and a restorative helicopter or two. Whilst watching 30 minutes of allotted Tom and Jerry before bath time there's the slightly more complex Eiffel Tower, morphing into a miniature elephant, finishing with a flourish in a hamburger that any Happy Meal could be proud of.

If I didn't know any better I would assume I have birthed a child with tackle fashioned out of the material that they used to create Stretch Armstrong in the 70's. Surely it shouldn't be possible to stretch an appendage in your mid-section that is currently two inches in length (tops) to tickle your own ear lobe? I still wouldn't believe it unless I had borne witness to it with my very own eyes. And with more regularity than is surely good for my health.

Since he was a baby, Johnny Drama has exhibited a personality that seemed destined for the stage. It had just never crossed my mind that he might garner fame and fortune with the ancient art of genital origami.

Until now.


  1. Absolutely brilliant!
    Well worth waiting for.
    You just have to love JD's ingenuity.
    Where does he get his talent from??
    Hmmmm.....I wonder.....


  2. OMG. That is hilarious.
    You have one talented little boy...

  3. Anonymous21 May, 2009

    Oh my word! I'm so pleased I have a daughter!!!

  4. Does it breathe fire out of the end, like Fiery Ferguson? THAT would be impressive.

  5. Boys will be boys - it's the first law of nature. We've got three "willy fiddlers" albeit none of them in JD's league and it drives me nuts. Does life stop if boys take a hand off their organs??

  6. His future girlfriends will no doubt be very impressed. Hilarious post

  7. Wow, he's an inventive little guy! So glad we are a willy-free zone at our house...

  8. mtw - I am sure you will be witness to his new found skills this summer ;-)

    Margarita - hello and thanks for stopping by! Yes, we are all very proud!

    rosiescribble - yes, thank your lucky stars. It's even more odd when you're single and there isn't a grown up willy in sight. Just plain weird to be surrounded by these miniature organs of manhood that are being flouted so freely in my presence

    Iota - oh, now don't start giving him ideas! He's inventive enough as it is without the addition of pyromania...

    WIHK - Three??? I feel for you. And no, I am pretty sure that they never grow out of it, aren't you? But hopefully at some point in time this whole jiffling business will just be a little more private.

    HOM - Just the thought of my cheeky little innocent one day 'performing' his talents for girlfriends makes me want to go lie down for a bit

    The Dotterel - oh go on, admitt it. You are a little teensy bit jealous, aren't you??!

    NotSupermum - So glad I created a moment of appreciation in your day!

  9. I think my son might be going in the same direction. The child is only 8 months old and if the nappy is off, or even halfway off, he's got a hold of his penis and tugs it about like it's putty. I have to keep his nails pretty short or he gives himself nice scratch marks down there too. Oh dear!

  10. Little award for you at mine x

  11. I can't write. I'm having difficulty staying upright after reading this post. Absolutely hilarious.