Puppetry Of The Penis

Captain Underpants has many talents. The voluntary modelling of 3-d objects using his male body part does not appear to be one of them right now.

The same cannot be said for Johnny Drama.

Johnny Drama found his penis when he was 2 months old and hasn't let go since. It is like living with a pint sized person who is constantly perfecting his balloon modelling skills...without having any balloons in the vicinity.

When he was safely encased in Pampers, this wasn't so much of an issue. Since potty training himself at the age of 2 his preferred mode of dress has been naked from the waist down, allowing for maximum ventilation and undeterred access. At first he unconsciously practiced the simple protective cupping manoeuvre occasionally interrupted by a gentle tweak or flick with his fingers. It all seemed a natural and innocent comforting gesture and I never gave much thought to it.

Little did I know that 18 months later I would be visually assaulted on a daily basis by a three and a half year old performing a repertoire of penile contortions that would make most grown men's eyes water.

In the midst of getting dressed in the morning there's the quick practice of the last chicken at Sainsbury's, followed by the greyhound then the wristwatch and a restorative helicopter or two. Whilst watching 30 minutes of allotted Tom and Jerry before bath time there's the slightly more complex Eiffel Tower, morphing into a miniature elephant, finishing with a flourish in a hamburger that any Happy Meal could be proud of.

If I didn't know any better I would assume I have birthed a child with tackle fashioned out of the material that they used to create Stretch Armstrong in the 70's. Surely it shouldn't be possible to stretch an appendage in your mid-section that is currently two inches in length (tops) to tickle your own ear lobe? I still wouldn't believe it unless I had borne witness to it with my very own eyes. And with more regularity than is surely good for my health.

Since he was a baby, Johnny Drama has exhibited a personality that seemed destined for the stage. It had just never crossed my mind that he might garner fame and fortune with the ancient art of genital origami.

Until now.