Saturday, April 18, 2009

Long Weekend

It was my birthday yesterday and that should have improved my mood. But it didn't. Not really. I had lots of lovely cards and really thoughtful phone calls - but if anything it made me feel all the more distant from my nearest and dearest.

I really want to stop feeling this meloncholy. There isn't a day goes by when I don't feel the urge to sob. I can't really articulate how desperate I feel. How ill-equipped I am at being a single parent. I am afraid to voice the darkness to a doctor for fear that they will take my boys away from me. And what's the alternative? A barrel full of pills? I don't want to go there again. Unless my medical coverage can provide a stand-in husband on a co-pay basis of course....someone to sit and drink coffee with in the morning, someone to share the discipline, someone to share the sniggers with when the boys do something unbearably cute that they are totally unaware of. And last but not least, someone who can give me a big hug at the end of day. Who will possibly make me a cuppa and nestle up to me on the sofa and in bed.

This is the first time I have ever been without a man in my life since I was 17 and it is very strange. It is hard to keep give, give, giving to the boys, when I am not getting nourished in return. I am exhausted.

TATFT (Tired All The Fucking Time). That's me in a nutshell.

Happy birthday to me.

Okay. Nap time over. Time to plaster a smile back on my face. Find another reserve of energy and patience from somewhere. And try not to let the boys see how much I am struggling.


  1. I wish I could give you a big hug, I really do. You are doing so much, and it is exhausting but one of the plus sides of being a single parent (yes, there are a couple) is that YOU are keeping your family going. YOU are building a solid foundation for your kids. YOU will be paid back many times over as time goes by and you can look back at all you have achieved.

    Loneliness and isolation is very hard, and as you say it's sharing life's small pleasures with someone else that make all the difference.

    It may sound cliched, but try to take one day at a time. When I first became a single parent I was scared witless about how I was going to cope, and one of the things I learned was not to look too far ahead as it can be really daunting. Just cope with today, and perhaps this week.

    Try and find someone you can talk to, anyone you can connect with and be brutally honest about how shitty it can be as a single parent. And if it helps at all please feel free to contact me on notsupermum at hotmail dot com. Rant away, and I will definitely understand. And don't forget to look after yourself. Very important.

  2. Oh, nearly forgot. Happy Birthday. x

  3. I agree with notSupermum.
    You know you can always 'rant' to me and hopefully the Barocca will help keep you healthy.
    Please don't feel alone, I'm here for you.
    I've been where you are, you will come through it.
    And yes it is hard always giving, but take joy in that you got two lovely boys who love you just as much as you love them.
    And when you least expect it, someone will come along for you.
    In the meantime, you'll have to make do with me as your BFF.

  4. I keep checking back for updates. How are you?

  5. Oh Nicola :'( Big big e-hugs from this part of the world, although I wish I could give them in person. Are there any single-parent support groups near you? Or any parent support groups? Or, darn it, just any support groups? xxx

  6. Hey gals. thank you so much for your comments. I did get to spend some time with friends this weekend and that helped trememdously. I also went to church (?!) yesterday and they have a single mum group, which I might enquire about. (Although the Jesus is my saviour aspect worries me a little). I also need to get my act together and check out I guess. At least the kids are back to school this week and I get a chance to catch my breath.

    But thank you thank you thank you. I do try to be upbeat and 'oh, I'm fine' about it all - but that is so fucking exhausting as well!!

  7. Well done kiddo. And don't knock church - I don't think it's compulsory to don beige cardies and sway as you sing, and you might meet some nice people.

  8. Belated Happy birthday Nicola!

    I know I would have a REALLY hard time being a single parent. I know you don't want to go on anti-depressants, but sometimes they do help! I think any decent doc would understand that your depression is situational and that you just need some help to get through the worst of it. They should get you some counseling too. I know when I was extremely depressed I was getting worse because I didn't want to 'bother' my friends any more, and a counselor did help, as did the meds. It all helped get me moving back in the right direction, which helped with everything.

  9. SOrry - am coming late to this but hope you're feeling happier now. Sounds as though you're having a mega rough time. I agree with More than A Mother - find a support group if you can. Just venting and getting stuff off your chest can make a world of difference. So feel free to do that here too.