Like Mother Like Daughter...

I'm having a bad day. A very definitely glass half empty day. No room for amusing anecdotes in my brain - it's too busy pondering how I spent my whole life specifically avoiding making the same mistakes as my mum and have ended up replaying parts of her life, just in a different generation.

Don't get me wrong. My mum is a wonderful woman. Warm, funny, vivacious and loving to a fault. But my God, has she made some severe errors in judgement during her life. I should know. After all, I'm the one repeating them.

I have tried so hard to avoid being in her position. I worked really hard for 18 years and earnt more money than I wish to calculate because that will only cause me to go and stick my head in the oven with the gas on high (actually it's electric, so my head would just be cooked and not gassed which I am guessing is a much more painful way to go). I chose my partners carefully for both their loving natures and generosity in all things. I waited until I was older to have kids, to be sure I was with the right person and be totally confident we would spend the rest of our lives together as a family. So how is it that I am going to be 42 in April (sharp intake of breath...FORTY TWO!!! How in hell did that happen for starters?) and am again alone, with absolutely no money, no tangible assets and a pitiful income that I may as well be paid in shirt buttons for all that it affords me?

I am mystified as to how I allowed this to happen. Created this situation of financial and emotional frailty for myself. Being back at the bottom of the ladder is terrifying and it's hard not to dwell on the multiple mistakes I have made that have led to this point, rather than the potential solutions that might lead me out of it.

I'm not very good at being vulnerable - which is probably why I have made all these mistakes in the first place. Just so that I get to experience it now on such a grand scale. A cosmic alignment of energy which ultimately creates that which you fear the most. Not that I am blaming my mistakes on the stars (tho it would be nice).

I know this situation won't last forever - I will get back on my feet, after all the only way is up. And I am so lucky in so many ways. I have 2 fabulous boys. And amazingly supportive family and friends whom I love deeply and unconditionally. We still have a roof over our head. Thanks to my ex-husbands good income and ongoing contribution I can still pay the bills. For heaven's sake, we still have cable and I buy strawberries out of season. I know things aren't that bad. But they need to be better. I need to be better.

For an over achiever, this is a hard admission to make but I didn't think I would get to my 40s and still be such an extreme case of work-in-progress. But as my mum would say, God bless her, 'look on the bright side'. And that really is what I am able to do most days. Just not today.