Will This Boring, Whinging Story Line Ever End?

I am so sick of my situation.  Sick of thinking about it.  Sick of living it.  I am alternatively sad, nostalgic, hopeful, angry, terrified, lonely and guilt-ridden.

But most of all I feel pathetic.  And utterly exhausted.  Not a good combination.

It's hard to see an end to it all.  The past four years of my life have been pretty much dominated by the failure of my marriage - and still it drags on.  Will it ever end?  I can't even imagine how weightless I am going to feel when I am finally able to leave all this behind me and just move on.  And yet.  Part of me clings on with my fingertips...unwilling to let go of the life that I created with this man.  Unwilling to admit that the dreams are no more.  That everything I strived and worked so hard for has crumbled away to dust.  Mere memories.

How much easier it was, pre-kids, to just walk away and never look back.  To have time to grieve and get over it without having the emotional scab constantly picked at by this daily contact.  To not have to face the harsh reality of watching the person that you once loved - still love - moving on...and taking your children with them into their new life.

Not that he is trying to make things easier for me.  Well, why would he?

We still haven't managed to talk further about the move home.  Last week's 'reason' was an important pitch.  This week there is a global think-tank.  Of course there will be something next week...there is always something more pressing, which has more priority, than sorting out this godawful mess.

I don't really blame him.  In my heart of hearts I don't want to face it either.   The thought of having to go through the process of the divorce hardly fills me with gleeful anticipation.  But I have to face the fact it is in his best interests not to move forward - the longer he can (intentionally or otherwise) drag this out, the less he has to pay me and the longer his sons stay in Chicago.

Sounds so simple writing this down...it's down to me so I just need to keep pushing, pushing, pushing until it's DONE.  Not so easy, though, for a woman who considers herself a little bit feisty and far too opinionated for her own good...yet hates confrontation.  Throughout this whole nightmare I have strived to be reasonable and rational.  To maintain a sense of love and gratitude.  To be patient and accommodating.  I certainly don't regret it - it has meant that we are incredibly amicable and that does make my life a whole lot easier.

Well, it did.

Now.  Not so much.

Looking at it objectively, I would say it certainly makes his life a whole lot easier but my life actually feels far from easy.

I feel so torn between wanting to honour our marriage, the love we once shared, the three children we had together by continuing to be kind, understanding, generous.  I know it will reap benefits in the years to come as we continue to co-parent our children together.  But at the same time, I'm not sure that he actually respects this behaviour or is simply taking full advantage of it.  He has his amazing career, his marathon running hobby, his pretty young girlfriend, his children as and when it suits him and full control of the money.  There is nothing about this arrangement that he wants to change right now.

Part of me knows that to achieve what I really want - to regain my independence and move home as soon as possible - the most effective method is possibly to remain humble and gracious and ruffle his feathers as little as possible.

I can see the logic of it - but even writing it just brings on fresh tears.  Just where am I meant to find the strength to carry on?  It all hurts too fucking much.  It would give me so much more satisfaction, at this moment in time, to tell him to stop dicking me around and get with the programme, or I will take matters into my own hands.  What is the point of mediation, if he can't prioritise his life a little to make an appointment and show up?  We've only been talking about it since February, for heaven's sake.

So here's my dilemna:  how to be strong and push forward with intelligence and dignity...without morphing into the quintessential ex-wife bitch.

The pathetic sap of a wife I have a handle on.

The ball-breaking ex-wife I think could come quite easily to me.

I don't want to be either.  Is there really an alternative?  One that will finally - finally - get the job done.