Sunday, August 21, 2011

Reckless Behaviour

So last night was a stereotypical, cliche, cougar type way.

It's been an emotional couple of days, for a myriad of reasons.  Chicago is starting to get to me. The walls are closing in.  Too many bad memories pervade my thoughts.  It is the scene of too much tragedy in my life and ultimately that energy finds me again and closes in.

It's hard not to miss my ex, when I am here, and the life we initially had together.  It's still hard to believe that it all fell apart so spectacularly.  It's also coming up to Mack's birthday.  He would have been 9 this year.  And if I think about how much I miss him and how much he continues to mean to me, the only option is to curl up and keen like the freshly bereaved.  I love him and miss him in equal measure.  I thought at the beginning that the intensity of these feelings would fade with time.  I guess not.

I have also had a big bust up with a friend, which has tipped me over the emotional edge.  This woman is one of my rocks.  I love her.  I never meant to upset her.  She definitely meant to upset me, I think.  At this moment in time I am not sure how to resolve this fight and if she even wants to.  It's so unexpected and has catapulted me back in time to High School, when female relationships seemed so fraught and loaded with nuance, compared to my long-standing friendships of today.  It makes me really sad.

So there I was yesterday, feeling sad and, yet again, like a bit of a tearful sop.  Honestly, I have not been like this for a while!  When it hits, it tends to hit hard and then bugger off again, which I suppose is a bit of a blessing.  I went to dinner with girlfriends and - par for the course - just had an itch to get absolutely trollied.  To let the smooth vodka in a multitude of martinis sooth all these cares away.  My friends didn't share this desire, because they are grown-ups and don't feel the need to blot their life and feelings away as a 20 year old, like I do.  I sat at the dinner table in a bit of a sulk, because yet again I was alone in my desire for a bit of a buzz.  C'mon people!  I wanted to implore them.  At least one of you help me get this fucking party started!

I am distracted a little by a young man sitting next to me at the bar.  He's nothing special in the looks department, although he reminds me a little of Chris Martin from Coldplay (who I have a bit of a thing for) and his body is to die for.  I don't think it helped that I had been to the movies in the afternoon and spent 2 hours ogling Ryan Gosling with his top off.  It was quite depressing to come to the realisation that I would have between Fat Chance and No Chance to have a romantic (oh, who are we kidding? sexual) encounter with a guy like that again in my life time.  In fact, probably closer to No Chance, let's be honest here.  Goddamn libido.  My life will be that much simpler when the menopause hits and my sexual desire goes for a long lie down.

Anyway, young man is intrigued by my accent and we chat for a while.  I am grateful for the attention, it has to be said.  Thank you Universe, for this little distraction from my messy and complicated emotions.  Thank you for this little boost to my ego, after wailing over my lost husband and dead baby for an hour or so this afternoon.  It couldn't be better timed.

Ultimately, we part to go to our tables and I think no more about it.  The next couple of hours are spent in a blur of talking, sushi and (in my case at least) martini consumption.  The dinner comes to a close and everyone is happy to make their way home.  Except me.  I don't want to go home.  I have nothing to go home to.  And I am certainly not ready to stop drinking.  My two martinis have definitely taken the edge off but have left me feeling a little bit reckless.  A little bit destructive.  I feel peeved and also embarrassed that I am the only one that feels this way.  I know I am not in danger of my behaviour spiraling out of control, but I just want more of a buzz, some excitement, loud music, possibly dancing.  I want to lose myself for just a couple of hours.

It's not very mature behaviour for a 44 year old, admittedly.  I knew I should have had more of a misspent youth and got it all out of my system then.  I resign myself to an early-ish night, thinking Sod It I Am Going Back To My Friend's To Drink All Her Grapefruit Vodka While She Is Sleeping - Until I Am Legless - You Just See If I Don't.

We walk out of the restaurant and, low and behold, who is the first person we bump into?  Oh young man...your stroll to get cigarettes from the bar across the road couldn't have been better timed.  I hadn't appreciated how tall he is, while at the bar.  He's 6ft 6, making me - even in my heels which make me over 6ft tall - feel petite and diminutive.  Oh dear.  I can feel a bad decision coming on.

We chat for a couple of minutes.  He asks us all to go for a drink. My friends demurely decline.  I pause. He senses my temptation and within minutes my friends are in cabs and I am sitting in a bar across the road with a young man holding my hand.  There are no prizes for guessing where he ultimately wants this to go, I think to myself wryly.  Well, what was I expecting?  A conversation around our favourite classical literature?

We kiss.  Holy Mother of God, his lips are like nectar and he is a fabulously gentle and sexy kisser.  There is a part of my brain saying not cool, this is so not cool and rolling its eyes in a reproving way.  But mainly it is just screaming YIPPEEEE!  It was so nice to just sit there, in the corner of a bar full of strangers and smooch with this relative stranger (I had at least got his name by this point, so maybe he now classified as an acquaintance, don't you think?) just for the sheer pleasure of it.  My urge to get drunk dispelled and was replaced with an urgent desire to get laid.

But as reckless - or maybe just impulsive - as I felt I was being, I knew for sure that I wasn't going to have a one night stand.  Been there.  Done that.  Only twice admittedly, but it's never left a good taste in my mouth afterward (I know what you're thinking, depraved reader...and No, it was not due to the old spit/swallow conundrum.)

So after 2 hours of wild snogging, first in the bar and then (with obvious glamour and sophistication) in a darkish alley, where the chemistry is established without any doubt whatsoever, I end the night (despite heartfelt pleas, which actually aren't that hard to resist).  He takes my number, but I doubt I will hear from him again.

Which is a little irritating.  I have another week to go and it would have been a very satisfying distraction.  Just the chance to run my hands over his taut abs again, would be quite thrilling.

So I will dwell on this pleasant daydream, while sitting here smothering my lips in chapstick.  A vain attempt to soothe the 2 inch circumference of skin which has been removed around my mouth. Ah, the detrimental side effects of a 2 hour snogging session.  My lips are going to look like shit for at least 3 days.

But I have to say, it was worth it.


  1. Good for you!! Enjoy yourself, and while I'm at it, why is there fat chance of your having a romantic encounter? Have you looked at yourself recently? You're GORGEOUS!

    Ring him, and maybe even shag him before you leave. Go on, you know you want to :-)

  2. Two hours of snogging? Impressive.

  3. So did he prefer Charles Dickens or Jane Austen then?

  4. How annoying that nonE of your friends wanted to get frillier and go dancing. Were I in Chicago I would have been totally up for it. Still, there's nothing like a good snog with a sexy stranger. I kind of miss it, though I know I'm lucky to have my lovely husband. And when it comes to one night stands I like to think of them the way Duran Duran did. "some people call it a one night stand but we can call it paradise"!

  5. I meant trollied. It got auto corrected to frillier?!!

  6. I haven't smooched anyone for two hours since I was 17. HAnding you the chapstick. Good for you. Hope you enjoyed it.

  7. Yay for snogging! Sounds like a wonderful night out.

  8. Sounds like your night ended up going well ;) Must have been annoying that your friends didn't want to stay and have a drink with you, but at least you got to spend a couple of hours with a hot man :)