Monday, July 19, 2010

Down...but not out

I was waiting for a day to come when I felt perky enough to write a post.   You know, relatively upbeat.  Cautiously optimistic.  But that day is yet to arrive and I can't avoid splurging any longer. 

This whole 'heavy veil of sadness' thing seems to be depleting me of everything that I once liked about myself.  My energy.  The view that my life is always glass half full.  Generally being daft.  The past four years have been so emotionally trying - and so fucking lonely - that they are causing me to doubt that I will ever be happy and carefree again.  Maybe this is just me now forever...morose, needy, exhausted, unable to see and appreciate the blessings even in challenging circumstances.  What I would do to turn back time and make different choices, to be able to take a different path than this.

I am just so very, very tired. 

I am also so very, very tearful.  Constantly.  Sometimes in front of the boys even, which I have always managed to avoid in the past.  The look of concern on their faces and the touch of their plump hands on my shoulders, around my neck or patting my back do nothing to stem the flow of emotion of course.  Bad mummy.  Bad, bad mummy.  My boys need me to be strong and resourceful and resilient.  But I am all out of those traits at the moment.  I scrabble about the bottom of my handbag, hoping to find remnants of courage and hope and laughter, but of course all I get for my troubles is a few screwed up chewing gum wrappers and the obligatory raisin. 

If only I could just stop feeling so tired. 

Mediation finally started nearly 6 weeks ago.  And in that time we have managed to attend 2 meetings, both of which were charged with tension, latent hurt and unaddressed anger, on both parts.  The 2nd meeting was particularly eventful - featuring a bun fight of such proportions that ex and I were ultimately separated.  The main bone of contention being, of course, the date of a move back to the UK.  Which, despite our agreement in February, is now not going to take place this summer.

Of course it isn't.  How silly of me to ever think he would honour his word?

I can see the sense in the decision.  We do need to take time to sort out this divorce.  I have nothing to gain in the long run from rushing decisions that will impact my future financial security and parenting responsibilities.   And I am trying to let go of the frustration that ex has deliberately stalled on attending mediation to achieve this outcome.  The man has a part-time live in girlfriend yet it is still not within his interests to divorce me.  I know why he is dragging his heels - and I know I fall pretty low down on his list of priorities.  I also know that mediation is unlikely to work simply because he has demonstrated quite clearly that he does not want to find time in his schedule to attend. 

Again - I know that none of this is through malicious intent.  But it is self-serving. And maybe I need to follow his lead and be a little more self-serving too.  Despite all the recent upheavals ex and I are still on speaking terms.  We are not friends, but we are friendly.  Things are currently amicable.  Let's hope they remain that way once I file for divorce.  I just don't see another way of finalising this chapter in my life than taking it into my own hands - and making something happen that will hopefully stop this cycle of control and manipulation.

Maybe then the panic attacks will cease.  The ability to sleep will return.  My loss of appetite will reinstate itself and, with it, the ability to do more than just splod through the motions each day with all the enthusiasm of a eunuch on a quest for a condom.  Maybe then I will get to move home. 

In the meantime, I did manage to complete one task to cheer myself up.  I have sponsored a little girl from Haiti called Lovemy.  Isn't that the most incredible name?  She is 6 years old.  So I finally have a daughter in the family.  Hopefully the first of many children from around the world.  The boys and I are currently working on our first pack of letters, drawings, photos and postcards to send her.  I already feel so much love for this smiling little girl, standing in the dust and the dirt in her clean yet worn sundress and hair braided with the big plastic bobbles that I remember from my own childhood.  Her situation certainly puts mine into perspective.  I wonder if she will ever understand what a gift she is to my life right now? 

A reminder that my life is more than just struggling to officiate the end of a relationship and move home to my family and friends.  It is also about new beginnings.  And family.  And love.  Always love.


  1. Oy, oy, oy. It will all work out, but in the meantime - chin up.

  2. Yes, yes, yes. FILE. There will be no real true steps toward whatever closure is possible while you're still on his (nonexistent) time-line. That's what I finally did, and it was an incredibly difficult and incredibly freeing step, one in which I felt I was taking back some control and power--not over him, but for myself. You know the divorce will happen. For your sake, for the children's sakes, take that crucial step. And I believe, truly I do, that you'll start finding hidden treasures in that handbag, ones that have been there all along but you've simply not been able to see.

    I feel for you, honey. I'm here, any time.

  3. You're the bravest woman I know. End of story. x

  4. Anonymous19 July, 2010

    Sending you lots of hugs. You are a very strong person going through a very testing time. Remember that it is not forever and you will reach the light at the end of the tunnel one day - hopefully not too far away.

  5. I am sending positive thoughts and hopes your way.
    What a great thing you are doing in sponsoring Lovemy. x

  6. What a rotten situation. Dragging things out is never a good thing. I hope he gets more helpful soon.

    Big hug! And good to hear from you...

  7. Big hugs. So good to hear from you, but tinged with sadness that you are not feeling great. It isn't a great surprise, you have so much going on, really difficult stuff. But big hugs. xxx

  8. Sometimes I think everyone needs to hear how other people see them - even if it's only from afar. And this is what I see:

    Someone who is strong, brave, honest, caring and an extraordinarily brilliant writer. Your sponsoring of Lovemy is the perfect thing to do - for her and for you.

    I think you should find a life coach who will help you set a game plan. It will help you get through the divorce and find a path for you. Because you may not be able to see it or feel it, but you have everything you need to start a brilliant new life.

  9. I just wanted to send you hugs. Please email me when you need a lift.

  10. Expat - The chin is up...the coffee and chat helped!

    Teacher - You're such a wonderful friend. Thanks for the words of wisdom. Will just be so glad when this stressful time is over and life can move on without all the anticipated angst over the divorce. Can. Not. Wait. xx

    Potty Mummy - So wish I could have seen you at Cybermummy. Thanks for being there. It means so much. You're fab. xx

    Anon - You're so right. And thanks for the hugs. All anon affection so gratefully received!

    NVG - Thanks love. And I feel so happy to be doing something positive for this little girl. Just wish I could do so much more. xx

    MWA - Yes - hopefully the whole thing will be DONE in the next couple of months. Good luck with the new baby!!! Can't wait to read all about his arrival xx

    Pantswithnames - Thank you thank you! xx

    HOM - Good idea. Thanks for the boost - you are so supportive and it means SO much x

    Susie - I will be in touch. You're a doll. Thank you xx

  11. So glad to see you back but sorry you're feeling so buggeredly. The word for today is PERSPECTIVE. Impossible though it may seem see if you can take some mental steps back and look at the big view of the situation things will juggle themselves about and the stressy stuff will lose some of their power and the good bits (like kids and looking forward to moving back to Blighty) will gain some power back. On a more mundane note, are you eating properly and getting enough fresh air, exercise and sleep?

  12. Lovemy is a very lucky girl to be a part of your family.