Friday, October 16, 2009

From The Sublime (him) To The Superficial (me)

So I can handle dating a man who is like a Sex God sent from the heavens, but the fact that he is just so damn nice is proving to be a little more challenging.

Now I have never been a fan of the word 'nice'. It's just so bland, isn't it? Call me a little high maintenance if you will, but if anyone has ever said (after hours of preening and getting myself into a semi-glamorous state) that I look nice, well, I am likely to get myself into a little bit of a huff. Nice? Nice?? Surely what you mean is 'drop dead gorgeous' or 'beyond beautiful' or 'bloody hell, you look so amazing my eyes hurt'. The way I interpret the word nice is 'alright I s'pose' or 'passable' and I make a conscious effort to avoid using a word which I consider to mean 'distinctly average' or just 'OK'.

But the trouble is, Green Eyed Man is distinctly nice almost verging on slightly-too-good-to-be-true.

And the fact that he is constantly being so nice to me is making me question not only his level of intelligence, but also his sanity in general.

He calls or texts me at least once a day. He is constantly planning our 'dates' ahead of time, so I never have to wonder when I will see him again and whether or not I should make plans for Saturday night 'just in case he's free'. He has the most cheerful outlook on life and is intent on seeking the silver lining for every cloud. His glass is never just half full, it is just full.

Sickening, isn't it?

Add this to the fact that he is 6ft 1", probably one of the most handsome men I have ever laid my eyes on and has the body of a 22 year old professional rugby player and maybe you can understand why I am a little disconcerted.

But I think the most crucial piece of evidence that substantiates my inner fear that he is not quite the sharpest knife in the drawer is that he seems totally infatuated with me. Nice is just not a word that enters his vocabulary when we are together - although stunning, incredible, beautiful and hilarious often are. For Pete's sake...what chance do I have when I am up against that arsenal?

PLUS...he loves to cook for me, can dance circles around me (quite literally, which is a complete first because every other man in my life has always danced like a complete plum) and is totally into every single British thing I can throw at him (and I am not just referring to my frequently discarded pairs of M&S knickers).

It's all a bit much to be honest.

And despite the fact that I had thoroughly convinced myself that all I wanted was to meet a lovely, genuine guy and be done with workaholic, emotionally inept, egomaniacs - it is highlighting the fact that, in comparison to him, I am a predominantly shallow human being. I might have forced myself to believe that I am now an elevated, spiritual goddess seeking only the goodness in people's hearts, but it turns out that no - I am as superficial as Katie Price's boobs, only not quite as buoyant.


I thought I was beyond being attracted to a guy by the size of his...intellect and ambition. I thought I was beyond judging people (okay - men) by the size of their pay cheque. And I definitely thought I was beyond caring about how people I go out with dress. Turns out...not so much. Inherently part of me finds him lacking because he diligently works two jobs to put his sons through college. And that since his divorce he lives in a crappy little flat in the back-end of beyond, filled with pieces of cast-off furniture that have seen much better days. And that the contents of his wardrobe date back to the early 90s and there isn't a single piece from Banana Republic in it. Oh, and that he has only left the country twice - once on his honeymoon 19 years ago and once for a short trip to Canada, which, in my snobbish and superior assessment, hardly even qualifies.

In short, he is a hard working, incredibly genuine, down to earth bloke who manages his responsibilities in life with grace and is comfortable in his own skin. And I am a woman who, despite being miserable in dysfunctional relationships with men who were highly successful and so sharp they were in danger of cutting themselves, still can't see the wood for the trees.

Not to worry, says a well-intentioned friend, it's not like you have to even consider these things. It doesn't have a future - you're planning on moving back to the UK next year. You're in a position to just ignore all the stuff which indicates, deep down, you're a bit of a bitch and focus on his gold medal abilities in the rug olympics, aren't you?

Well, she has a point. He's quite the perfect 10 in the rug department. And it's not as if I am looking for my soul mate at this point in time anyway. Hopefully, by the time that I am, these shallow thoughts will no longer permeate my brain and influence my thinking. In the meantime, I can use them to keep him at an (emotional) arm's length because, if truth be told, I think this man is way too good for someone who finds it impossible not to judge on such a superficial basis. Someone like me, for example.


  1. I met a 'nice' man once. Good looking, intelligent, caring about me, infatuated with me, in fact. I gave the relationship a very low chance of success. Reader, I married him.
    And I would also say to you what I said to my sis when she called me years back to tell me about a guy who she was dating who was very 'nice' but just not her type. A bit boring, in fact. So I just came out with it (couldn't help myself) 'and how has your 'type' been working out for you so far?' Guess what? She married Mr Nice too...

    Go with it - what do you have to lose? And just keep saying to yourself; 'I'm worth it. I deserve this'.

  2. I think you're looking for reasons not to like him. Because he's so 'nice' it's unsettling you, because deep down you don't feel worthy of someone being so nice to you. Go on, admit it. You prefer someone who has other attributes (success, intellect) even if they aren't nice.

    Sorry to be a bit deep here, but a lot of women can't deal with nice men - myself included - but it's something I'm willing to work on, just don't get the chance!

    Enjoy him for who he is, and don't look too far ahead. This has come at a good time for you, have some fun!

  3. I think I'll agree with Ms. PM.
    Nothing is definite in your future, there is no "move home" date.....yet. So see where this goes.
    I'm a bit biased, as I want you to stay there and come home too!!!! Both sides of the fence.
    Being happy is the important factor here.
    And if he does that, then......

  4. I'm not sure what to say to this because at the end of the day, I want you home.
    The best I can manage whilst trying not to be emotionally involved is this:
    If being an elevated, spiritual goddess means recognising yourself for what you truly are and identifying what you need to change, then you are doing a better job than you think.
    A year ago you would not have even noticed that you were 'superficial' - GEM has come in to your life to raise your awareness.
    So if there are no long term plans to be with GEM, then it makes no difference whether he lives in a mansion or sleeps on a bench. So every time you feel a bit of snobbery coming on, remember this and learn to let it go...
    Enjoy the rug olympics, the phone calls, the company and the attention - that's just so... NICE!! x x x

  5. This is going to sound so cheesy but repeat after me: I am worth respect. I am worth admiration. I am worth love.

    You're beating yourself up and using defense mechanisms to avoid getting too close for fear of being hurt or somehow 'sabotaging' the relationship. Try to let go of the fear and just live in the moment. If it goes somewhere, great. If not, you'll cope just fine. But there's no use in looking at it as already doomed or thinking you're not worthy. You've been damaged by events in your past and previous relationships -- they have affected your ability to trust that a man's intentions are what they appear to be and that he is genuine in his affections. It's not surprising and it's not your fault. Just be aware of it, take things slowly and please, do NOT blame yourself. You're a fantastic woman, not shallow at all, and you deserve a 'nice' guy. Don't let that voice in your head tell you otherwise.

  6. Agree with all of the above. You've obviously been through some very rough times and you deserve a bit of fun AND a 'nice' man to treat you well. You ARE worthy of it. The usual problem with niceness is that it tends to cancel out attractiveness, but that obviously isn't the case here, so what have you got to lose?

  7. He sounds perfect. I'd just carry on enjoying it. Don't over analyse things, it might spoil your fun!

  8. Hmmm. I don't know. I'm wondering if you're wondering whether you're already getting bored with him. The niceness is OK (I too, married a nice guy). It's the IQ/sharpness and the lack of travel (or wanting to travel) that sounded my alarm bells.

  9. true attraction is a funny old thing and I don't think you can measure it. If it ain't there, it ain't there. Simple as.

  10. I think I may have to agree with some of the previous comments. As long as you're not falling in the "he likes me so he must be thick"-trap, you should worry about the lack of adventure. If it bugs you now already, there's trouble ahead.

    I, too, married the nicest guy (wooing, couldn't be without me, cooks, always there), but he was happy to go travelling with me and is interested in the world.

    Oh, and advice doesn't mean anything. Go with your gut. Or whichever part of your anatomy. Take care.

  11. PM - Thank you. It is good to have a reminder. Because he does remind me of two of my friend's husbands (who I have been saying over the past 2 years...THAT'S the sort of man I need to be with) but now he has presented himself it's as tho I am trying to find fault with him rather than just enjoy it.

    Lulu - I keep trying to convince myself that he is 'not enough' to make me happy. But when I am with him? He just makes me happy. I hope heartache isn't around the corner...

    KR - Good point, well presented. At least I am capable of seeing my own shortcomings. Isn't it odd how I think I need a man who can 'keep me on my toes' by being a little bit detached and a bit of a git?

    NS - Thank you Noble. Not cheesy at all. Guess I need to stop fretting and just enjoy it because the truth of the matter is that I'm not going anywhere in the short term...and maybe I do deserve a little bit of 'nice' after all. Strange how past experiences still continue to infiltrate my thinking and dominate my self worth.

    Nappy - Who knows where this is going...I should just stop bleating about it and enjoy it. It's such a novelty being treated like an amazing human being. I had forgotten what it feels like, that's for sure.

    Rosie - Point taken. And he is fun as well as lovely. And who knows, he could dump me like a hot potato next week so might as well just enjoy it while I can.

    Expat - I loved your comment because it made me realise that I am not at all bored with him NOW but I guess that is one of my concerns for this being a 'long term' thing. Will he be 'enough' for me? Does his passion for life and his desire for adventure match mine? And what sort of adventures do I really think I will be having over the next 10 years with little boys to focus on? It's not as if I can travel the world now with them, unless their dad was in tow anyway. Brought me down to earth a little.

    Lakeland Jo - Oh the attraction isn't a problem, believe me! When I am with him, I don't want to be anywhere else. So what the fuck am I worrying about??

    MWA - My ex was initially 'the nicest guy' too so I think I am also a little suspicious of this whole 'wooing' phase. So I am going to keep a little distance and keep trusting my...gut (and not my netherregions!!)

  12. Holy crap woman - I wouldn't complain - a green eyed sex god? Just don't ever let him put his clothes back on then you won't have to worry about his style...actually he sounds just like Builder Bloke! Being adored is great...for a while....enjoy x

  13. Life is short and often shitty. Keep shagging him and cross all bridges when you come to them. If you'd have told me the man I would end up with 10 years ago I would have sworn you were a big evil liar. Who knows what life has in store for you?

  14. Why do you feel you have to make a decision at this point? So long as you're not letting him believe more is there on your side than really is, then can't you just go with the flow for a while? This is very early days.

    When I write a novel, it's going to be called "What about Walter?" It's going to be all about those nice men, who get cast aside in favour of excitement, romance, uncertainty, but who really do have a lot going for them. Do you remember Walter in 'Sleepess in Seattle'? It's named after him.

  15. Great sex doesn't often go with "Nice", or my definition of nice anyway! And Im sure it's all been said above, but you SO deserve a bit of this good stuff. See how it goes and enjoy it for now! And when you have five mins, feel free to come and collect your award from me x

  16. Huh. While we aren't entirely in the same boat re: The Guy's attributes and potential moving and whatnot, I find myself nodding a great deal as I read this post. Yep, yep, aye-yep.

    I keep finding myself wanting to peek a year--even just six months--into the future to see where the hell I end up. And is it with Him?

    Hang in there. Chances are you actually deserve him more than you think and he deserves you more than you think.

  17. Um, by attributes I mean height and ability to dance. He has considerable...attributes...otherwise.

    (that could have been bad)

  18. I'm with Troutie on this one.. except I'll make an amendment and say life is short and 'shaggy'.. have all the fun you can and live in the moment.. no need to make any big call's right now, be a little selfish.. indulge! x

  19. Potty Mummy is spot-on with this one. I married Mr. Nice Guy, too, and I nearly dumped him after 3 months because I couldn't stand it. He was polite, thoughtful, intelligent, and sweet.. what was wrong with him!! Didn't he know I was a P.O.S.??

    Thankfully, I got a grip and I really understood at that moment that "my type" just wasn't working for me (sooo much drama and hurt and anger) and that I wasn't used to nice so how could I say this wasn't "right"?

    I look at it this way: we all, EVERYONE, I suspect, want a Madonna/Whore. Too much of either and the elements are off balance. We want a nice, sweet, thoughtful guy (Madonna) who can push back, get angry, and maul us in bed (Whore). Most of us date the Whore because they're more outgoing, more dynamic, flames to our moth-selves. (And it's funny, because a lot of men really are either or, but almost all the women I know are a good combo of each. But that's another story.)

    So, if you've found a good combo, RUN WITH IT! And enjoy it for as long as possible.

    Re: the clothes, you can easily change that with a, "Oh hey, I was out shopping, saw this shirt, and thought of you." I had revamped my bf's (eventually my husband) closet in 3 months. His clothes were 2 sizes too big and exclusively from Goodwill. I also rearranged and cleaned up his house. He liked it "put together." Anyway, my point is that those things aren't that important and can be fun turn around!